Toys!

We FINALLY found a chance to take all the toys donated for Gavin's birthday to the Cardon Children's Hospital at Banner Desert. First we got to take all the extra money donated and go on a WILD shopping spree! We had $250.00 left over after we paid for the wagon, and that wasn't including the check for $150 that was donated by Boomer the Dog (and his owners!) that went straight to the hospital!!! The kids thought that was pretty cool...but giving all the toys away afterwards was a little hard. ;)

Mindy, the childlife specialist we worked with, had sent us a wish list of the things they could use. The infants and toddlers sometimes get forgotten, so they don't get as much stuff donated for those ages. They can ALWAYS use items like portable dvd players, crib mobiles, white noise machines, bouncy seats, and exersaucers. So we tried to focus more on that age group with the money, since we already had a lot of school aged toys donated.

We bought a portable dvd player, some crib mobiles, a preschool computer game (also requested), a ride-on spinning zebra toy for the playroom, some clip-on crib toys that play music and light up, crinkle books, rattles, those little piano toys that have pop-up animals when you push the keys, a couple preschool aged board games, some ball poppers, teethers, battery-operated bubble blowers, books, and batteries (I bet they go through those pretty fast!). It was SO hard to restrain myself from buying MORE...we actually had to put some other stuff back because we went WAY over budget (we even ended up throwing in $100 of our own, too).

Mindy gave us a little tour after we put the toys and wagon in Andrea's Closet. We saw the Forever Young media room, which was SO COOL...Steve Young's Foundation donated over $1 million for it...it has a stage for celebs/groups to perform on, or the kids can make up their own plays & dances. There is even a video camera to record them! There is also a movie screen that drops down, and two huge screen TVs for movie nights, lots of chairs for the audience and room for crafts. I wish I had taken a picture of it! I can just imagine all the fun plays, dance groups, comedians, singers, etc that will be able to perform there for all the kids.

One FULL trunk!!!

Now one FULL wagon...

...plus 6 FULL bags...

...plus 3 FULL sets of hands!!!

The plaque on Gavin's Wagon, it says "In loving memory of Gavin Sprague"

heading to Andrea's Closet:

there's a giant chess set in the lobby:

and silver butterflies inlaid in the floor:

the ceilings are painted to look like the sky:

the new train area!

One of Gavin's favorite nurses came down to chat with us and get a picture!

I was so happy to be able to donate all those toys in honor of our little man. I talked to Minday the next day and she said she had already opened tons of the toys for some of the babies who didn't have anyone to stay with them (it seriously breaks my heart to think of those little ones all alone with no one to hold and love them). She said they loved the toys! I can't wait until next year and I'm already thinking of new themes we can do. They are going to be opening a brand new outside play area in the next year, so we'll probably focus on that for Gavin's 3rd birthday!

Mindy said before we left "You have no idea how much this helps!" and I replied "Oh yes...we really do know. We know all too well." So thank you SO MUCH to everyone who donated! It meant so much to our family. I hope seeing all these pictures and knowing that the toys are being enjoyed is making you happy, too! Such small things can make such a HUGE difference to those who are in the hospital. It gives me SO MUCH happiness thinking of their days being a little easier and brighter because of these toys.

weight

I am reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being right now. I almost put it down after the first page because its just SO not the kind of literature I can concentrate on right now. But I pushed onward (besides, it has a really cool title). Then a paragraph in the second chapter stood out to me:

"The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?"

And I was like, I get it. I totally get it. Its one of the many conflicting battles that rages within me. Sometimes I feel so angry and jealous towards those who still get to reside in beautiful, shiny bubbles...they still get to see the world through rosy-iridescent walls where things make sense and life is good. I use to live in a pretty bubble, too, if only for a short time. And had Gavin lived, I would've been one of those people who get up at Fast & Testimony meeting at church on Sunday and tearfully exclaims, "I know everything is true, and all my prayers are answered, and everything is great, great and HAPPY, and my life is amazing, 'cause I am so blessed, like SERIOUSLY, so blessed." I would never have given a second thought to how soul-crushing those words can be to those whose lives have been reduced to "but if not..."

I would never have known what I know now. I would never have known how black the darkness can be. I would never have known how far down, down can be. I would never have known what abandonment feels like. I would never have known what its like to lose all knowledge, then all faith, and even all hope. I would never pause like I do now, to really, truly look at someone and wonder what hidden wounds they harbor. I would never know what its like to really, truly love someone that I just met, simply because we both know.

But is it worth it? Is it worth it to have your bubble popped, your life absolutely shattered, and your whole soul broken and beaten into the earth? Is it worth it to lose all beauty and hope to understand uglyness and despair? Is it worth it to have that knowledge, that understanding? Because there is no other way to gain that knowledge...it only comes through your own personal suffering. And once your bubble is popped, you can't go back. You can't think, feel, believe all the things you used to before, even when thats all you really want because it would just be so much easier. Things just don't make sense like they used to through those rosy walls. So would you rather live a life where your actions are insignificant, but blissful...lightness? Or would you rather live a "real", raw, painful existence down in the dirt...weight? The Garden of Eden or The Fallen Earth?


I know what I want.


I want to be back in my damn bubble.


At least, most of the time I think I do. But then I am confronted with the unbearable lightness of being in others around me, and I have second thoughts. Am I grateful for this knowledge? I don't really think so...not yet anyway. I'm still wondering why I am apparently destined for lifelong defeat (sorry if that comes across as dramatic, but thats I how I truly feel sometimes). But when I read that paragraph, I thought...maybe there is something in all this.

Maybe there is some hope after all. Maybe someday I'll be grateful for this knowledge. Maybe someday I will say, yes, I would rather be down here in the dirt than up in a bubble. Maybe someday I will notice beauty down here that can't be observed from up there. Maybe someday I will find that in the dirt down here, flowers have bloomed from all the tears I have cried.

Flowers for Gavin

These flowers were planted by a friend of Gavin's liver buddy, Martim, a little boy who also has Alpha-1 and lives in the UK. Martim's mom, Alice, found Gavin's blog last year after Martim was diagnosed, as she was struggling to find answers about this seldom heard of condition. We e-mailed back and forth a bit, and she even has a picture and a link to Gavin's blog on Martim's blog. She is such a caring woman...she has never met us, but she reads here and comments often, and thinks of Gavin as she watches Martim grow.

Their friend, Patricia, found us through that link. She planted some flowers in her garden in honor of Gavin and e-mailed me some pictures. She said "I chose Amores Perfeitos. In English, they are named Pansy Flowers, but I prefer to translate, and call them Perfect Love - like a mother´s love. Perfect." She posted more about it on her blog (its translated in English below the Portuguese!)

Somewhere in Portugal these beautiful flowers are blooming just for my baby boy...

This lovely sunflower bloomed in Susan's garden on Gavin's Angel Day. Her daughter is another one of Gavin's Liver buddies. She said she thought of Gavin when she saw it. I have such great friends from the Liver Families support website! We only knew each other for such a short time, but they all continue to give us so much love and support. It really, really means so much to me. I've had a handful of people e-mail me after finding Gavin's blog when their child was diagnosed with Alpha-1 (like Alice!), and I always refer them to LF for support. They are the best!

My cousin, Kim, and her little boys picked out this plant to put in their apartment to honor Gavin. They recently moved to California so they couldn't attend his birthday party, but they wanted to participate in some way. She said later that day she noticed it was just under their picture of the Temple, so now she is reminded of "Forever Families" every time she looks at it. I am really grateful for our family. They are so good to me.

Gavin's 2nd Birthday Party- pics!

{Happy Birthday, my little Baddabink!}


{We had such a fun time at Gavin's Birthday party! Thank you to everyone who celebrated our little boy's life with us!}


{And thanks to those who helped bake cupcakes, and a BIG thank you to my cuz, Jenny, who helped me decorate all of them!}

{Gavin would have loved his Baby Einstein caterpillar cake...it was his favorite part of those movies! I teared up every time I walked by it.}


{Our garden BEFORE...}

{Mommy planting a flower...}

{Big Brother planting a flower...}

{Daddy planting a flower...}

{Big Sister planting a flower...}

{and Baby Sister eating peaches!}

{We got a visit from Boomer the Service Dog...he is a Bull Mastiff and is SO big! He helps carry the oxygen tanks for his pal, Lee, who has Alpha-1. The kids LOVED getting to pet him!!!}

{All the toys donated that night!}

{There will be a LOT more once we use all the cash that was donated...after the wagon is paid for, there will still be $350.00 left for MORE toys!!! We are going to go shopping Monday morning, so there is still time to donate if anyone wants to!}


{Our garden AFTER...}

{Slideshow of everyone else's pictures! Let me know if you'd like copies of any of them and I'll e-mail them to you!}

Happy Birthday

Happy 2nd Birthday, baby boy.

tonight

Gavin's 2nd Birthday
Tuesday, October 6th
5:00pm-7:00pm
"Come and Go"

We are going to have a birthday party and toy drive for Gavin's 2nd Birthday! Everyone is invited to stop by our house for a birthday cupcake and to drop off an unwrapped toy to be donated to Banner Desert Children's Hospital. They give these toys to the children during their stay and after having procedures done (which is SO appreciated- its so hard keeping kids entertained and happy in those little rooms 24/7, especially when you are there for a week or two!).

We are also going to be donating a wagon to the children's ward in memory of Gavin (he loved those wagons SO much!), if you'd rather donate a few dollars towards that. I am pretty excited about the wagon...since it has a canopy on the top, the kids will be able to go outside! (I remember always wanting to walk around outside with Gavin, but we never made it past the courtyard because the sun was just too bright and in his eyes). His paypal account is still open, so donations can be sent online through Paypal to info@giftforgavin.org, or we will have a cash jar set up at our house tonight as well. (Any extra money will go towards purchasing more toys.)

1 year

Just one straight and narrow way, at the end of which, though we arrive trailing tears, we shall at once be “drenched in joy.” - Elder Neal A. Maxwell

So we made it. It was true that the anticipation was worse than the actual day. The night before was actually harder for me in some ways. But the day of, I really didn't feel that differently...I was sad, but I'm always sad when I think about not having Gavin. Throughout the day I would cautiously assess my emotions to see how I felt...Hmmm. Yep, today sucks. Just like every other day! Time was still slipping away, life was still charging on...and Gavin was still not here.

The kids stayed home from school with us and we slept in late, went out for breakfast, bought way too much dessert to take home, and took another long nap. Later that evening we went down to the cemetery to plant some grass seeds on Gavin's grave (I hate saying that). But surprisingly, there was already grass grown over the entire thing. It was sort of comforting, I hated seeing that rectangle of dirt...but it was also disconcerting. You couldn't even tell he was there anymore. It made me really want to finish his headstone. We cleaned up the flowers, and left some yellow and green butterfly decorations. Then Andre and I layed in the grass and watched the stars come out while the kids ran around and played.

Later that night we watched the picture montage video that my cousin made for Gavin's funeral. Andre and I hadn't seen it before, since it was playing out in the foyer. The kids remembered it however, and had been asking to watch it for the last 6 months. Andre and I didn't really want to because we knew it would hurt, but we did anyway. It was really, really hard. All of us cried through the entire hour long video.

Let me tell you what almost hurts worse than losing a child...watching your remaining children sob uncontrollably because they miss him so much. My heart truly shattered. In that moment I hated God so much...I didn't even care about my hurt anymore...how could He do this to such innocent, loving children?? How could He let them hurt so much at such a tender, young age?? And when my kids hurt, I get angry!! I think He understands. The feeling didn't last long, but its still so hard to understand why... How do you even begin to explain something like that to a child who just loved their brother with all their heart and soul? You can't. I almost turned the video off a few times because I just couldn't bear to see them hurting like that anymore, but they begged me to leave it on.

Afterwards, Andre and I tried to comfort them as best as we could figure out. We cried some more, hugged some more, and discussed what they remembered about the day Gavin died. Mostly I just tried to listen to them. When they finally stopped crying, we drew pictures and wrote letters to Gavin. Joenick ended his with "please come back soon"...

But even with all that, I never felt that terrifying, uncontrollable, black hole feeling. No nightmares. Just sadness. I did find myself occasionally checking the clock and thinking back to what we had been doing at that time...but I wasn't gripped by the trauma of what we went through that day. I think the therapy we have been going to helped a LOT with that. I'm so glad we were able to get through most of the sessions before this day came.

Thank you so much to all our friends who stopped by to check on us and to drop off cards, etc. It helps to not feel so alone in this. We also received some emails of flowers already planted for Gavin, and donations towards the wagon!