Yesterday we finally cleaned up the flower beds in front of our house. I have been avoiding it for awhile...I just can't look at any of it and not wonder if thats where the fungus came from. It was one that is commonly found in soil. Was it the mini rose bush by the door? Or was it the big brick flower bed? He loved playing by both of them in those last couple of months. We'd go outside every afternoon and I'd turn on the hose and let him crawl around and play in the water. He loved messing with the rose bush....he loved holding onto the little brick wall of the flower bed to help him walk around....he loved digging around in the leaves and finding sticks and rocks. Was it that??? Why, why, why did I let him play in there???
The entire time we were pulling weeds and scooping out leaves I just kept thinking, I am breathing in the same, stupid fungus that killed him. And it reminded me of this girl I used to play with when I was in 2nd grade...one day she said "God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt" and I remembered how stupid I thought she was for saying that. I think I told her so, and that God made bears and bears hurt people, so obviously it wasn't true.
...God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt...
Ugh. Its just so stupid. I can't stand that something so simple ended up killing him. Sometimes I just want to pull all the flowers out and destroy the whole thing.
9 Years- A Poem for my Deceased Daughter
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