Mom "Award"

One of my fellow angel baby friends "nominated" me for Mom of the Year "Award" (Thanks, Jen!), in which I have to answer the questions below. I haven't done any silly questionnaires like this in a long time, but I thought I would do it with Gavin in mind.

Here are the rules I have to follow in order to receive the "award":

Admit one thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are no longer allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a good mom!

Its hard to narrow it down, but I feel like I was always so tired with Gavin and rushing to get to "the next thing" every day so I could sit down and relax in between. I wish I would've just held him more.

Remind yourself you are a good mom, list seven things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself everyday that you Rock!

1. I loved giving him bubble baths...he loved it so much, too. I would give him a bath after breakfast, right before his morning nap. He would sit in there for up to half an hour while I poured the warm water all over him and washed his hair. Sometimes he would even fall asleep. It was so funny.

2. I loved getting him all snuggled up for his naps, too. I'd put him in a clean onesie after his bath, feed him his bottle and then tuck him into bed with a full tummy, his soft blanket, his little pillow and his stuffed puppy dog. I'd turn on the cool mist humidifier and turn down the lights and I always thought "he must feel like he's in heaven right now!" because it would be so calm and cool in there. He had to deal with so much pain and stress that I just loved making him feel relaxed and comforted.

3. I loved feeding him food...we had to wait so long to give him anything solid, so once we were able to it was a real treat for both of us! It was just fun to see the looks on his face and sneak him sweet treats. I'm glad now that I did, it wouldn't have been very fair for him to have only tasted applesauce and baby cereal. Especially since he had to stomache that yucky formula and so many awful tasting medications every day. I'm glad he got to taste cotton candy and snow cones and jello w/ whipped cream and mint chip popsicle and pumpkin pie.

4. I loved taking him for walks. He loved laying back and just watching the world go by, whether it was at home in our neighborhood or in the hospital.

5. I loved taking pictures of him! He was so cute with those big brown eyes, big smile and round cheeks. He was my cutest baby, hands down. (sorry, other kids!) :P

6. I loved dressing him up in cute outfits. We hardly ever got to do that since we couldn't really take him anywhere, and at home he just wore onesies since it was so hot. And at the hospital it was always just white t-shirts. So any time I did get to take him out (usually to the doctors) I dressed him up in a cute t-shirt, his little denim overalls and his trademark tennis shoe socks. I loved those overalls...pants never fit him because his tummy was too round, so it was always overalls! He looked so cute in them.

7. I loved playing Itsy Bitsy Spider with him...I always emphasized the "washed the spider OUT" part and he would anxiously wait for it and then smile real big.

Send this to five other Mom's of the year that deserve credit for being great moms and remind them that they are the best moms they can be!!

Results

We got the test results back today...Olivia doesn't have Alpha-1! We're very relieved. Now we can just enjoy our little girl.

Olivia

I can't believe its almost been 6 weeks already. The first 3 weeks went by soooo slowly, but the last few weeks have gone by so fast. We still don't have the test results back yet...and trust me, when I know- everyone else will know. Its been hard to not worry about it because everyone keeps asking us, and that translates to it being brought up a handful of times every day! I know it probably seems like the kind, concerning thing to do...but you all have my permission to act like it doesn't exist right now (cause that's what we're trying to do).

I predicted correctly that in some ways having Olivia here would be good, and in other ways hard.

The hard: the first few weeks have hurt a lot. It is so confusing...she reminds me so much of Gavin. The sounds she makes, the angles of her face, the little movements, the baby stuff being out again, the nursing, the diapers, the crying. Sometimes it feels like a second chance, that it really is him, and this time could be different...maybe? I have to consciously remind myself every time I walk into the bedroom that "this is Olivia, not Gavin". I keep saying "him" instead of "her". Its like an arrow through the heart when I accidently call her the nicknames I used to call Gavin. Sometimes I just hold her and cry because I wish it was him. Sometimes I pretend that it is. Sometimes I resent that its not. It doesn't help that I'm getting little sleep and I am up alone with her all night. It leaves a lot of time to think. And that is definitely not a good thing.

Its hard taking her to her pediatrician appointments. It brings back so many memories. I sit in the room and think, "Gavin breathed this air. He touched this bench. He crawled on that table. He looked at that picture. I read him that book. He was alive in this room." I do that everywhere I go. He is everywhere, and he is nowhere at all. I miss him.

The good: I actually smile every single day now. I smile. And not just a smile that you do, a smile that you feel, all the way in the depths of your soul. We all do. That is amazing to me. The kids are sooooo happy. As soon as they wake up in the morning, its "Where's Olivia?". As soon as they get home from school (well, right after they wash their hands- they never forget), its "Where's Olivia?". Its fun having a little girl again...tiny bows and dresses and pink, pink, everything pink. Its getting easier to look at her and just see her. She's becoming her own person. As few as these things are, it feels like it outweights all the hard things. At least most of the time.