Saturday, May 2, 2009

Olivia


I can't believe its almost been 6 weeks already. The first 3 weeks went by soooo slowly, but the last few weeks have gone by so fast. We still don't have the test results back yet...and trust me, when I know- everyone else will know. Its been hard to not worry about it because everyone keeps asking us, and that translates to it being brought up a handful of times every day! I know it probably seems like the kind, concerning thing to do...but you all have my permission to act like it doesn't exist right now (cause that's what we're trying to do).

I predicted correctly that in some ways having Olivia here would be good, and in other ways hard.

The hard: the first few weeks have hurt a lot. It is so confusing...she reminds me so much of Gavin. The sounds she makes, the angles of her face, the little movements, the baby stuff being out again, the nursing, the diapers, the crying. Sometimes it feels like a second chance, that it really is him, and this time could be different...maybe? I have to consciously remind myself every time I walk into the bedroom that "this is Olivia, not Gavin". I keep saying "him" instead of "her". Its like an arrow through the heart when I accidently call her the nicknames I used to call Gavin. Sometimes I just hold her and cry because I wish it was him. Sometimes I pretend that it is. Sometimes I resent that its not. It doesn't help that I'm getting little sleep and I am up alone with her all night. It leaves a lot of time to think. And that is definitely not a good thing.

Its hard taking her to her pediatrician appointments. It brings back so many memories. I sit in the room and think, "Gavin breathed this air. He touched this bench. He crawled on that table. He looked at that picture. I read him that book. He was alive in this room." I do that everywhere I go. He is everywhere, and he is nowhere at all. I miss him.

The good: I actually smile every single day now. I smile. And not just a smile that you do, a smile that you feel, all the way in the depths of your soul. We all do. That is amazing to me. The kids are sooooo happy. As soon as they wake up in the morning, its "Where's Olivia?". As soon as they get home from school (well, right after they wash their hands- they never forget), its "Where's Olivia?". Its fun having a little girl again...tiny bows and dresses and pink, pink, everything pink. Its getting easier to look at her and just see her. She's becoming her own person. As few as these things are, it feels like it outweights all the hard things. At least most of the time.

17 comments:

Mhari said...

Bethany,

Congrats on Olivia Alice. She is absolutely beautiful. You are in my thoughts.

Mhari

Kierst said...

I don't normally comment mostly because I have no idea what to say- so I just wanted to say congratulations on Olivia and I think of you often.

Julia+John said...

Congratulations on Olivia joining the family! She is beautiful!

Jane Galbraith said...

Congratulations!! I came upon your website as I do presentations on grief based on the book I wrote - Baby Boomers Face Grief. I TOTALLY agree with your advice about how to help someone who is grieving. Bravo to you for being so brave to share your story and help others. There needs to be lots of people saying the same thing if we are going to change the way society handles this subject. I am thrilled that you can smile - enjoy your little Olivia. Jane Galbraith - www.boomergrief.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

She is gorgeous. What a beauty, and what a weight to hold in your heart when you hold her. I'm hoping it becomes easier, and wish you all the best. Thanks for sharing her with us.

Danielle Watts said...

Bethany and Andre,

She is beautiful! Congratulations of such a precious little girl. I am glad to hear that you are smiling again. :)

Danielle

Josh and Heather said...

Congrats - she is so precious. I LOVE the announcement and that picture!

Amber said...

She is beautiful :) I love the onsie (someday :) )

Anonymous said...

Congrats again on your Olivia. She's beautiful.

Becky said...

Bethany! I'm glad to see a picture...I've been absolutely dying to see this little princess! I've heard so much about her. She's adorable. I am so glad you're enjoying her. It gets easier...the newborn-thing (you know!!!). After 6 weeks is the fun part, I like it when my babies can smile at me...it's kind of rewarding. I'm glad that you're smiling too...nothing makes me happier than to hear that--I mean it!! It was good to see your older kids today, I invited them to come over and play this week. Send them over anytime. We've been sick most of April-- or I'd have invited them sooner.

Colby Kids said...

She is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to see more pics.

Dennison Family said...

Congrats on Olivia!! She is adorable and I LOVE her name! So cute! What a beautiful baby!

The Garner Gang said...

Congratulations, she is so beautiful. I hope you are easy on yourself, so that you can enjoy this precious time.
Much love,
Kendalee
(Rhiannon's and Loughlins's mom)

Brett and Meredith said...

Thank you for posting this beautiful picture of your beautiful Olivia. She is such a precious little gift. The picture that you paint of the older kids' excitement and love for her brings joy to my heart....just knowing there are some smiles again. I am sure Gavin is happy to see those smiles again, too.

Janell said...

She's gorgeous Bethany! I'm so glad Olivia has joined your family and is bringing you such joy to help you get through the difficult moments. You're in my thoughts a lot. Now that summer is coming I hope Amelia and Evienne can have some more chances to play. I'll call you!

Melody B. said...

What an adorable picture of her.:) Just when you think you can't go another day because you are SO tired...they smile for the first time for you....and then you feel as though you can go on a little further.:) More smiles as the days progress and more sleep accompanies...there IS light at the end of the tunnel!:)

I'm glad that you feel that the good out weighs the bad...you need something to out weigh the bad. You deserve the good.

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

I can only imagine just how hard and how enjoyable Olivia's presence is for your heart and soul. Trinity was our only child, so for now we are still child-less. When the day comes that we have more kiddos, I'm sure I'll be feeling much of the same things you're feeling right now. She is beautiful! Congratulations for having Olivia here, and I'm so sorry that Gavin is not here to be next to his baby sister's side. Love you tons Bethany!