Tuesday, May 11, 2010

slipping

The other day I was sorting and organizing family pictures on our computer when I ran across a file of home videos. There were a bunch in there of Gavin. I decided to watch one. It was the first time I've watched one since he died. It was like watching a stranger. How could that be my Gavin? My little boy?

I was really shocked at how sick he looked. I never really understood why others always thought he was on the brink of death, but now I do. He never seemed that yellow to me. His tummy never seemed that big (at least not when we were at home...our hospital trips were a different story). I was surprised by other things, too...how much I had forgotten about him...how much didn't trigger any memories for me. It felt like none of it was real, like it never really happened.

I am starting to forget things about him. How he sounded, how he moved, how he laughed, how he looked at me. Its inevitable...it happens to all of us, even when our children are still here. Can you recall exactly what it was like when your child was a newborn? A 1 year old? etc...

I hate that he is slipping away from me. That he is slipping away from all of us. The other day Evienne asked how to spell his name. It made me sad...had it really been that long since she's seen his name or had to write it down? His name was so perfect...it held so much promise, so much life. We spent so much time and energy trying to find the perfect one...and now its just a memory. It makes me sad that he only got to use it for such a short time.

It hurts so much that our family isn't complete anymore...I want all my children to be lined up together. I want to name them off one by one. But instead there is just a space where he used to be.

9 comments:

Rebecca said...

The last two pargraphs: exactly how I feel. We call today (May 12) Hollis Jsy Day. This year is 3 years since he died.

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

I know what you mean sweetie...It's been so long since I've heard Trinity's voice, felt her touch, heard her giggle, listened to her cough...at times I feel like I don't remember it...so watching video's helps me remember. I hate the "Empty Space" too...

I LOVE YOU!

ourfamilyofseven said...

I believe that you will remember bits and pieces at different times. He's always with you.. one day you two will meet again and it will be like you were never apart. I think you should rattle off your kids.. he is your child..he's just gone ahead to a much better place. I'm so sorry for your pain and I pray that it eases for you.

Erin said...

I was thinking of Charlotte the other day and was imagining a memory in which she was standing at the coffee table playing with something. She never stood. When I realized what I had done I was shocked, I was remembering Ella as Charlotte. I've been missing her a lot more these past few days since that "memory."

Melody B. said...

:( My heart aches for all of you who have lost a child. Seriously. I'm SO sorry for your loss.

Colby Kids said...

Diane said...

Bethany - I came across your blog - kinda by accident. I haven't had a loss like you have. But I just wanted you to know that what I read really moved me. I want you to know that you are very brave to share this.

God bless you and your family.

Emily said...

He still has his name, I feel sure he will have that gift from you forever.

Andrea said...

I know what you mean...it's so hard sometimes. I've only watched a small portion of the videos we have of Wyatt. It's just so hard to see what I don't have anymore.
Thanks for the sweet comments on the blog. I would love to spend the day laminating with you. :) I wish we lived closer. We would get along really well. Sending my love your way.
Andrea
Angel Wyatt's mommy