Tuesday, January 27, 2009

church

Going to church is really, really hard now. I dread going every.single.week. And while I'm there, I am only counting the seconds until I can escape through those doors again. I don't know what other people think about this, but part of me wonders (and worries) if they think its the "religious" aspect, and its not.

The main reason why its so upsetting to me is because part of going to church is gathering your whole family, with everyone looking and acting their best, and sitting happily all together. This is all I see when I am at church: everyone else with their whole families...smiling...happy...together...whole. My friends' arms are full as they tend to their babies...walking in and out of the foyer, kissing little foreheads, trying to get them to smile and laugh, bouncing them on their hips around the edges of the chapel, digging through diaper bags to locate binkies and crackers, gazing into their eyes and nuzzling their noses, clasping their hands together and playing patty-cake, smiling lovingly at their pride and joys...


I sit.


I sit and I mourn my empty arms that have nothing to do any more but stay quietly folded. I sit and I try to keep my eyes down so I can't see anything. I sit and I try not to listen to anything so I can't hear any cooing or crying. I sit and I try not to let the tears fall into my aching, empty lap. It wounds me in ways I cannot possibly describe politely. Let's just say no one is my friend on Sunday.

Another reason it is so hard to sit through church is because being there makes me feel the Spirit, and that makes me *feel* in general, and when I feel, I feel sad and angry. And I don't want to feel sad and angry...I don't want to feel ANYTHING. I try to stay numb as long as I possibly can. I spend my days running and running and running from my emotions, distracting myself in whatever ways I can. And when I am at church just *sitting* with so many triggers around me, they catch up and swallow me whole.

It is pretty much all I can do to keep breathing until the service ends. Honestly, I hardly hear a word that is said during the talks because I am concentrating so hard on keeping my emotions in check. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to make small talk with anyone. I don't want to smile. I don't want to act happy. I don't want to be there, PERIOD. All I really want to do is run out of there and scream my head off and kick the crap out of something. In fact, a large portion of my trying-to-ignore-everything thoughts consist of wondering how far I would actually have to go before no one in the chapel heard me. But instead, I sit. and wait. and ache. until I can go home and crash into my bed and finally let the waves drown me.

7 comments:

larsen family said...

Amen girl! Church is so hard after losing a child. Sometimes it is hard to hear the things that we already know. People who have not been through this kind of loss that we have make it seem so easy to keep faith in things that are taught but we are being tested to the core of our testimonies. Our testimonies are stronger because of this trial and yet shattered at the same time. Hang in there and know you are not alone. I know there will come a time that it won't be so hard, I just don't know how long it will take to get there.
Hugs,
Jen

Marga├ža said...

I have difficulties seing my friends and family with their healthy babies and knowing they don´t know the lucky they have. They never know what it´s to have a sick baby, so I understand your feelings and it does not make you a bad person, only make you the best mother I have ever knew.

You are an example to me.

nancy said...

yes.
it's so sad. it's so true.
when you're missing your child, it becomes the hardest, most emotional day of the week. i'm so sorry.

Janell said...

Bethany, I'm so, so sorry. :o( I can see how church would be so painful. My heart aches for you reading this. Don't worry about what people think--anyone who matters is not judging. Take your time. I'm thinking of and praying for you.

Leeann said...

I have no idea what you're feeling and I pray I never will. So, I don't know the right words. But know that I'm still praying for you and your family.

marie said...

Bethany,
I am sorry that Sunday is such a hard day. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Melody B. said...

Would you write a book already....sheesh your writing is SO good! I really do love to read what you write, you have a gift with words.

I am SO very sorry that Sunday is difficult. I can totally see how you would feel the way you do. That's really hard...I'm sorry.:( I sure love what Janell said though, "Don't worry about what people think-anyone who matters is not judging," SO TRUE!!! I love you very, very much. And I'm sure glad that I get to be your friend Monday through Saturday at least!:P