church

Going to church is really, really hard now. I dread going every.single.week. And while I'm there, I am only counting the seconds until I can escape through those doors again. I don't know what other people think about this, but part of me wonders (and worries) if they think its the "religious" aspect, and its not.

The main reason why its so upsetting to me is because part of going to church is gathering your whole family, with everyone looking and acting their best, and sitting happily all together. This is all I see when I am at church: everyone else with their whole families...smiling...happy...together...whole. My friends' arms are full as they tend to their babies...walking in and out of the foyer, kissing little foreheads, trying to get them to smile and laugh, bouncing them on their hips around the edges of the chapel, digging through diaper bags to locate binkies and crackers, gazing into their eyes and nuzzling their noses, clasping their hands together and playing patty-cake, smiling lovingly at their pride and joys...


I sit.


I sit and I mourn my empty arms that have nothing to do any more but stay quietly folded. I sit and I try to keep my eyes down so I can't see anything. I sit and I try not to listen to anything so I can't hear any cooing or crying. I sit and I try not to let the tears fall into my aching, empty lap. It wounds me in ways I cannot possibly describe politely. Let's just say no one is my friend on Sunday.

Another reason it is so hard to sit through church is because being there makes me feel the Spirit, and that makes me *feel* in general, and when I feel, I feel sad and angry. And I don't want to feel sad and angry...I don't want to feel ANYTHING. I try to stay numb as long as I possibly can. I spend my days running and running and running from my emotions, distracting myself in whatever ways I can. And when I am at church just *sitting* with so many triggers around me, they catch up and swallow me whole.

It is pretty much all I can do to keep breathing until the service ends. Honestly, I hardly hear a word that is said during the talks because I am concentrating so hard on keeping my emotions in check. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to make small talk with anyone. I don't want to smile. I don't want to act happy. I don't want to be there, PERIOD. All I really want to do is run out of there and scream my head off and kick the crap out of something. In fact, a large portion of my trying-to-ignore-everything thoughts consist of wondering how far I would actually have to go before no one in the chapel heard me. But instead, I sit. and wait. and ache. until I can go home and crash into my bed and finally let the waves drown me.