Friday, February 20, 2009

my baby


I miss my baby so very much tonight. I miss how he would rest his hand on my cheek when I would hold him on my hip. I miss the soft little curls of hair on the back of his neck. I miss how he would try to put his tiny hands in my mouth so I would "bite" them. I miss how he would try to grab my glasses and I'd grab his hand real quick and say "Nooo, silly! Those are MINE!" and he would laugh and try again. I miss stroking the back of his head while he slept against my chest. I miss tucking him in when he went to sleep and seeing his precious little face snuggled into the pillow, with his upturned nose and long, curly eyelashes and angel lips. I miss watching him silently watch the world around him...those big brown eyes seeing every detail. I miss pulling him around in his wagon and how he charmed and flirted with anyone who happened to look his way. I miss feeding him breakfast...there were so many foods we didn't get to try.

I just MISS him...I WANT MY BABY!!!!

My heart just aches for him, any little piece of him...his smell, his touch, his smile, his laugh, his wave. It hurts so much...I can't remember him, can't love him, can't cherish him without also letting in the despair, the grief, the knife of pain. Its so unfair that my sweetest memories are now laced with poison. I try not to remember, I try not to forget. I try to savor the sweetness...while having to swallow the bitter cup. I can only hold little pieces of my baby, just for the briefest of moments, before it all explodes into a monsterous, aching, blackhole.

Baby, I wish I could hold you in my arms all night and all day...carry your precious memory close to my heart so I could never forget, not even for a second. It just hurts...it just hurts too much. I wish I didn't have to shut your bedroom door, avoid your pictures, avoid your memory. When will I get to have the joy without pain? No acceptable answers. I need you now!!! Its just not fair...my irrational side begs, pleads, screams "Please let him come back to me! Please don't make me live this life! Please!!!" No acceptable replies.

I go to bed, one more night...one more night with empty arms, a hollowed heart, and broken dreams. One more night of tears on my pillow and bitter regret. One more night in an endless stream of nights with you not with me. Those who die wanted to live, those who live want to die. Can life be anymore cruel?

Baby, tonight, I will let you in. Break my heart open, let me bleed. Let the tears fall. Anything!Just stay with me, just for tonight...crawl into my arms while I sleep, soothe my wounds, help me heal my soul. Promise me you are here somewhere...promise me I will hold you again...

9 comments:

Erin said...

Bethany, Marsha Langeland gave me your blog. My daughter Charlotte passed away this morning from a genetic condition. Your post was hard to read--Charlotte loved pulling off her dad's glasses and already I miss her smile and laugh desperately. It all rang so true yet I'm still so new to this.
Thank you for your posting.
www.booferd.blogspot.com

Becky said...

What a sweet picture!! he has the prettiest eyes I've ever seen!! I am soooooo sorry you are hurting so much. I wish I could take some of your pain from you, if only for a day!! I can't even imagine!! :(
It makes me so sad!!

nancy said...

c.s.lewis:
"tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wallowed-in tears. for in grief nothing 'stays put.' one keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. round and round. everything repeats...how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty..."

i know. i'm so sorry.

Janell said...

You made me cry Bethany. I am so, so sorry that your precious memories of Gavin are also now so painful. I'm thinking of you. And by the way you are a very talented writer.

The Garner Gang said...

This is my life also. When I think of an enjoyable memory with my dear sweet son, the accident comes crashing back with such harshness. I see him and I do not want to see him like that. I want to remember him smiling, laughing, hunting, fishing but those memories are attached to the pain. I wonder also when I will be able to have those loving memories without the pain.

Anonymous said...

Such a beautiful baby boy. I'm so sorry he's not there with you now. I pray for you to find happiness again. (((hugs)))

Melody B. said...

Tears....I'm so sorry you feel any of that. I'm so sorry.

Trevor said...

Its been a while since I have visited one of your blogs. I see that you have found this blog to be one place to express some of your feelings. We enjoyed spending time with you last year, and had the chance to hold Gavin and see his smile and glowing personality. Thanks for letting us have a little bit of your precious time.

Angela said...

Bethany,
What a beautiful little boy! My heart aches right along side you. My hugs are with you,
Angela (Evan from Heaven's mom)