Wednesday, July 8, 2009

July 4th

I wasn't really expecting how hard this holiday would be. It has been the hardest one yet. I guess because Gavin wasn't really old enough to "participate" in the other holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween. But he had SO much fun on the 4th of July. Our whole family did. In fact, I would say its one of the best days we spent together, even though we were in the hospital.

The kids came to the hospital and we wheeled Gavin down to the cafeteria in his little red wagon, where we ate KFC and he took bites of corn on the cob and mashed potatoes and gravy. Then we all got popsicles, which Gavin loved, too! :) When it got dark, the hospital staff got all the kids who were able to leave their rooms and we all went up to the top floor to watch the fireworks over at the community college from the windows. It was so fun! They had a huge box of Americana toys and treats. Gavin kept waving his little flag around...it was so funny!!! Joenick and Evienne had so much fun being there with him. Gavin loved them so much. Everytime he got to see them he would smile so BIG. They made him happy and made him laugh, no matter where he was. I was completely happy that day. It makes me sad to think about it.

I miss him so much. It really hit home when we were walking out the theater (we took the kids to see Ice Age 3) and I was lingering behind and then I looked up and saw my family walking together. Andre holding Olivia, Joenick and Evienne skipping and jumping around...and no Gavin. It broke my heart. He should have been there, too. My little, almost 2 year old guy. I just started bawling and didn't stop. When we got home I told Andre to keep the car running and I went in and grabbed some items, then told him to go to the cemetary. We put some red, white and blue pinwheels on Gavin's grave, and some little flags, too. I just cried and cried and cried, like I haven't done in awhile.

I wish I could have wheeled him and Olivia in their little red wagon around the block in our yearly neighborhood parade. I wish he could be going swimming with us. Olivia loves it...I know Gavin would have, too.

I keep looking at Olivia and thinking, she is 3 months old. This is how old Gavin was when it all started. When he had his first surgery. It makes me hold her just a little closer, for a little longer. I am so, so thankful that we don't have to go through any of that with her.

Gavin, my dear little boy...thank you, thank you for your beautiful life. Thank you for your smile and your eyes and your waves and your laughs and your little fingers and toes. Thank you for your scars. Thank you for hanging on so long. Thank you for your happiness. Thank you for letting me love you. I miss you so, so, so much. I hope you got to see the fireworks from the best seat in the house this year...no windows to block your view! I love you so much, baby boy.

12 comments:

Jenn said...

Bethany,
I know those memories brought tears, but I'm so happy you have them. I continue to hold you in my prayers. Take care ~ Shelbysmom from LF

The Garner Gang said...

I also underestimated that difficulty of the 4th. But now that I look back it was probably Loughlin's favorite holiday, besides Christmas. He loved that all of our family comes each year and play boardgames till all hours of the night and most of all he loved to light the fireworks. He took it very seriously, especially the grand finale. It has been an extrememly hard week but I am trying to keep up the good fight. I find myself doing the same thing as my family walks in front of me. I miss him so much.

Thinking and Praying for your heart today.
Lots of Love,
Kendalee

Melody B. said...

Me = ♥ aching for you. :( I had a dream about you two last night...you were SOOOOOOOOOO happy, that made me happy. :) Someday when this life is over and done with, that dream will be a reality and you will be together, and you will be as happy as you were in my dream last night.

Matt & Staci said...

You brought tears to my eyes. I'm so grateful that I knew Gavin and I have his HUGE smile & eyes as a wonderful memory of the happiness he brought to everyone! I'm glad you were able to go to the cemetery and honor him on the 4th of July.

Janell said...

Oh Bethany. I remember reading about your 4th of July celebration last year. This post brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful tribute to Gavin. Your love for him is so pure and full. What a sweet baby boy. I'm so sorry for the pain.

Rebecca said...

I'm sorry. (see you next week!)

Erin said...

Charlotte hated the fourth of July, the fireworks terrified her. I know this year is the first one she really got to enjoy. Best seat in the house, I love it.

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

Happy 4th of July to your sweet precious Gavin...I hope you and Trinity both enjoyed the "Front Row" seats to the firework show. It was one of Trin's favorite holidays too...I miss my baby girl, I'm sad too...I wish things could be different for both of us Bethany! It sucks that Gavin and Trinity can't be here. WE LOVE AND MISS YOU GAVIN!!! WE LOVE AND MISS YOU TRINITY!!! Forever in our hearts, NEVER FORGOTTEN!!!!

Becky said...

Aw, I totally remember last years fireworks at MCC...we were in the hospital too and I regretted NOT calling you. we didn't have as good of seats as u guys did. It WAS a great day though!! And I am so sorry Gavin wasn't here this year to be with your family. I am SOOOOOO truly grateful that you have Olivia and that you're not having to go thru everything all over again.

We love Gavin so much & I'm sure he got a GREAT seat for the fireworks.

It was good to see you both at church-- she's such a little doll!! I cannot believe she's 3 months already. And I see they got a new mother's room...WAY TO GO!!!

beth said...

Hello Bethany - You don't know me. I actually found your blog by accident, but it has truely made an impact in my life. One day I was looking at blogs for my family and friends and had just gotten done reading them. I went to see if there was a bethandre blogspot. (long story, but my husband calls me bethandre sometimes) In any case, I found you. Currently, I work in the field of alpaha-1 - actually in sales. Every day I try to speak to physicians to test for alpha-1 in adults with COPD. Your blog has reminded me of the reason I continue to try to get through to these physicians to test families and patients. Another reason why your blog has been of help recently is one of my good college friend just lost a child and is 13 weeks pregnant with a surprise baby. It is hard to know what to say to help her. I feel kind of strange writing this without knowing you, but I had to let you know. Thank you for sharing your story - even with a stranger. Beth

Danielle Watts said...

Bethany,

I am glad that you posted something about the 4th of July. I worked again this year on the 4th and thought about you and family. Memories of Gavin and his contagious smile flowed through my mind while I was at work. I still remember him being in room 122 during that stay and the KFC! I remember how excited big brother and sister were to come in and see fireworks with him. :) I am glad to hear that things are going well with Olivia- she is beautiful. You and Andre and doing a great job of keeping your heads up. You guys are always in my thoughts and prayers!

Danielle Watts

Emily Ruth said...

Thinking of you...