Thursday, September 17, 2009

waves

The last couple of weeks have been really hard. I can feel the waves getting stronger as it gets closer to the 22nd. I liked to think I was just sitting on the shore observing them, but now they are starting to crash all around me. I can feel the undertow lurching around my body, threatening to pull me back out to that vast, dark, deep ocean.

Its frightening...these emotions are so powerful and I feel weaker and weaker against them. I try to keep telling myself the anticipation will turn out to be worse than the actual day. I try to keep myself busy and distracted. But whether I mentally acknowledge it or not, my body and spirit feel it coming. Its looming over everything I do. My patience has been short, my anger quick to ignite, and over all is a dark depression. My body feels weighted down. Inside I feel panicked...everything is moving too fast again...the helplessness, the hopelessness, the fear. He just needs more time...

I don't know what to do on that day. What do you do? What do you do on the day your baby died?! There is no manual for things like this...no customary rituals or ceremonies. Will we want to be alone? Will we want to be around family and friends? Should we do something to acknowledge it? Should we go to the cemetery? Or should we try to ignore it? Should we go somewhere far away? I just don't know.

At first, I think we should do something special. But then a part of me revolts...NO! I just want to feel horrible!!! I want everyone else to feel horrible, too!!! Its a horrible, horrible thing that happened and everything that day should be HORRIBLE!!!

But then instantly I think of my little man...my perfect angel baby...and the screaming inside quiets to a whisper...your sweet baby boy. And its decided. I have to do something to honor him. Something special. I just don't know what yet.

8 comments:

Rebecca said...

I don't know if you read our blog anymore, but every year on our anniversary of losing Hollis we take donated items up to the hospital and we go to the cemetery. We take the kids out for lunch and Randy takes the day off (or at least comes home early). We try to make it more special and less sad. But it is still hard. We will definitely be thinking of you.

Andrea said...

Bethany:
I feel the same waves these past few weeks as well. The ancipation...though it's not Wyatt's angel day his birthday is on monday and I'm terribly sad about it. I should be watching a 2 year old blowing out his candles. Instead I'm trying to figure out something special to do when in reality I just want to cry the whole day through. But then I also think of my sweet little angel and want to honor him in some way. Maybe just making it a memorable day for my other kids is the only way I can honor him.
I will be thinking of you on Tuesday and saying some extra prayers for you. We should never have a day like that to have to deal with. It's just not fair!!! Sending and hug your way.
Thinking of you and your sweet Gavin!
Love,
Andrea

Matt & Staci said...

Whatever you decide to do, I'd be happy to be part of it(if you want family around). I think it would be a sweet tribute to do something special that day! I love you!

larsen family said...

Thinking of you and hoping the waves subside. I know for me the weeks leading up to Kamber's day was a lot harder than the actual day.
Do what feels the best. I didn't choose till last minute and that is okay.

Love Ya,
Jen Larsen

Melody B. said...

If you need anything from me on that day...I am here for you. I think some of the ideas you have come up with are beautiful. My heart aches beside yours for your incredible loss of that sweet, perfect little boy. I love you.

nancy said...

the day your baby dies you cry. you cry like you did that day and you feel as incredulous as you did that day...that somehow it isn't real. how is it possible?! then you cry some more (as if you ever stopped). in the midst of the pain you also remember the joy he brought to your life and want to somehow find a way to honor him and his precious life.
may you feel the love of your friends and family and know there are many who are remembering sweet gavin. whatever you decide to do (or not do) will be exactly the right thing for you. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

I will be praying for you and your family. I pray that you will find the right way to honor precious Gavin.

nancy said...

as i continue to ponder the emotions of a day so profound i not only think of the things i have done, but i think of what we do as a nation to honor those we have loved and lost.
a question was asked of me recently... "how do we honor the dead?" the answer came as fast as lightning... "by living."
our lives are a testament of love for those that we have loved and lost. lost to our sight and our touch, but never to our hearts. the challenge to those of us left behind is to live our lives in a way that will honor those we miss so much. this is our challenge. at times it's so difficult, but i know we have angels...our very own...watching over us.
mine whispers, "you can do it mom."