Thursday, March 11, 2010

2 weeks


Today Olivia is the same age as Gavin when he died. Two weeks exactly before her 1st birthday. By this time he had already died. We had left the hospital and I was in our hotel room begging God to either let me sleep or let me die. He didn't grant me either one. The next morning his doctor came to our room, sat on my bed and held me in her arms while I wept. She told me I had to live for the baby that would be coming soon...our little girl, our little Olivia. She reminded me that all the parts that made Gavin special would also be in her. That she shared the same parents, the same DNA...a part of him would live on through her. 

I keep looking at her hands and feet, trying to remember what his looked like. I hold her and try to remember what it was like holding him. I think about how happy she is and how much she's growing and learning, and how playful and stubborn and curious and cute and just...how alive she is...and it makes me so, so, so sad that Gavin doesn't get to wake up tomorrow morning. That he didn't get to live. Tomorrow I will have had her longer than him. It still doesn't feel real. How can my brain still refuse to accept it?

 

9 comments:

PC said...

Esta é para vocês treinarem o Português:

A Olivia é LINDA! Tem um ar tão sereno e profundo que nos comove. As expressões fazem lembrar o Gavin e é sem duvida uma bela forma de o recordar. Beijinhos a toda a família.

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

Oh I know...I know!!! Loosing our babies has been the most horrible thing that has ever happened to us. ANd to continue living on without them...is down right the hardest thing we have to do...and yet sometimes we're not sure totally how to do it. I love you Bethany! I love your sweet Angel Gavin, and his baby sister is beautiful just like Gavin!

Jennifer Smith said...

Olivia is just absolutley gorgeous. She is just as pretty as Gavin is handsome.

I don't know what else to say. Everything I think of to say sounds so trite. I wish you didn't have to go through any of this. How hard it must be seeing Olivia and Gavin at the same time.

I can tell you are a great mom, and all 4 of your children are lucky to have you.

OK - this all sounds so dumb, please just know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

She Made Mention said...

Horrible isn't it? I just wanted to say that I liked your post about the bubble. I totally get that. I feel that same way. We wish and hope and pray that we could be up in a bubble, but I must say that we truly woke up being down in the dirt--- and sometimes I want to refuse what that means, but I DO think I'm a better person because of it. A much better wife and a much better mother---- all because of Stephen. BUT most of the time I unrealistically (sp?) imagine my life up in that bubble-- all of my family & then I long for it so deeply. It makes me crumble and discourages me. BUT we just have to keep our heads above the dirt and when we feel as if we are sinking.... we need to PRAY. AND I totally did that for you today... Hoping you are well. I just managed upon your blog because I am interested in that blog you are setting up for the angel blog. Anyways... nice to meet you (sort of) and pleaseeee don't ever feel like you have to explain anything to anyone, continue to write what your heart feels- my healing comes about in the same way--- writing, & allowing those feelings to surface! You DO have such a beautiful family....
xoxoxoxo
Jess

~plaid said...

I can't answer the brain question. I have some real difficulty with reality and my brain and memory and all kinds of things. I am glad Olivia is older than Gavin was able to be, and I also know the kind of unfairness it brings up because we wanted that for our other children, too. It's so complex. The love we have for each child, the hopes the wishes. It is such a blessing to have our little ones here with us, but bitter in its own way. Not because we wish they weren't here, but just because we wish their siblings were. Anyway, that all being said, those photos are adorable! I love the little yellow bathing suit with the yellow flowers. Adorable.

Colby Kids said...

I can't get over how much Olivia looks like Gavin. I'm so glad she's doing well and never has to know what hospital life is like.

Hope you're doing good. I'm always keeping up with you guys.

HUGS
Blair

Melody B. said...

I am speechless. My ♥ aches for you having to go through and deal with these new things popping up all of the time on top of everything else.

Wow, those two sure look like brother and sister, eh? It's crazy! Olivia is so beautiful (like her mama) and I sure miss that sweet little boy.

ourfamilyofseven said...

Your little Olivia is so beautiful. I continue to pray for you and your family. Gavin's story has touched a lot of people and please know that we'll never forget.

{ Bethany } said...

Thanks so much for commenting! It does help to hear that there are people out there who still think of Gavin and won't forget him. Sometimes its the only thing that assures me that he really existed.

~Bethany