Wednesday, September 8, 2010

September

September sucks.

I didn't think this year would be so hard. The last few months have been so good. I've been happy.

HAPPY.

I never would've believed I could feel that way. So I thought, its getting easier, its going to be fine from here on out. How soon you forget about the tidal waves...

I didn't even realize how close the anniversary of his death was until a few weeks ago. I kept thinking 'its been a year and a half" and then all of sudden it was just a month away. Since then, the storm clouds have been rolling in. I feel anxious and weighted down. Its nauseating. No matter how I try to ignore it, I can feel the pressure increasing. Its like even if I don't realize it, my soul does.

That part of my life feels like a dream now. Everything is fuzzy around the edges. I try to hold on to it, but its sand through my fingers. Sometimes this makes it easier to bear...sometimes its just really depressing. I want all of him to remain crystal clear, but with that comes the sharp, glass edge of pain.



"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

like my fathers come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends
wake me up when September ends
wake me up when September ends

9 comments:

Staci at Craftify It ! said...

I'm sorry. I wish I could make it better, but I can't...so just know that I LOVE YOU!

Ashley C said...

I am so sorry. I can only imagine your pain. I hope those happy times come back. I know it must be incredibly hard though. I wish you and your family the best.

The Garner Gang said...

The fall is hard for me also. I have his birthday and the day he died in these two months. I will try to remember you in my prayers....Hugs!

Heather said...

I will be thinking of you and praying that your heart won't hurt so much. But my heart hurts for you too. Let me know if you need anything.

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

September IS a sucky month...Trin's 3-year anniversary is next week on the 16th. Being busy with school helps keep the saddness away...but it still sucks! I'm sorry bethany! Just know I'm here...ALWAYS!!!

WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS!

Janell said...

I'm so sorry Bethany. I am so glad to hear that you have been happy and doing so well, but so sorry it's hitting you so hard right now. You're in my thoughts.

Colby Kids said...

((((HUGS)))

I'll never forget your little man. He is always in my thoughts. ♥

nancy said...

c.s.lewis wrote: grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago.
you are in my thoughts & prayers. xo

Emily Ruth said...

I haven't checked blogs in a few weeks, but I've been thinking about you so much. I should've checked here sooner. Your post couldn't have better timing for me. Feeling so much of the same. It just plain sucks this time of year. There was a time I liked Fall...
That feels like eternity ago.
Thinking of you.