my baby

I miss my baby so very much tonight. I miss how he would rest his hand on my cheek when I would hold him on my hip. I miss the soft little curls of hair on the back of his neck. I miss how he would try to put his tiny hands in my mouth so I would "bite" them. I miss how he would try to grab my glasses and I'd grab his hand real quick and say "Nooo, silly! Those are MINE!" and he would laugh and try again. I miss stroking the back of his head while he slept against my chest. I miss tucking him in when he went to sleep and seeing his precious little face snuggled into the pillow, with his upturned nose and long, curly eyelashes and angel lips. I miss watching him silently watch the world around him...those big brown eyes seeing every detail. I miss pulling him around in his wagon and how he charmed and flirted with anyone who happened to look his way. I miss feeding him breakfast...there were so many foods we didn't get to try.

I just MISS him...I WANT MY BABY!!!!

My heart just aches for him, any little piece of him...his smell, his touch, his smile, his laugh, his wave. It hurts so much...I can't remember him, can't love him, can't cherish him without also letting in the despair, the grief, the knife of pain. Its so unfair that my sweetest memories are now laced with poison. I try not to remember, I try not to forget. I try to savor the sweetness...while having to swallow the bitter cup. I can only hold little pieces of my baby, just for the briefest of moments, before it all explodes into a monsterous, aching, blackhole.

Baby, I wish I could hold you in my arms all night and all day...carry your precious memory close to my heart so I could never forget, not even for a second. It just hurts...it just hurts too much. I wish I didn't have to shut your bedroom door, avoid your pictures, avoid your memory. When will I get to have the joy without pain? No acceptable answers. I need you now!!! Its just not fair...my irrational side begs, pleads, screams "Please let him come back to me! Please don't make me live this life! Please!!!" No acceptable replies.

I go to bed, one more night...one more night with empty arms, a hollowed heart, and broken dreams. One more night of tears on my pillow and bitter regret. One more night in an endless stream of nights with you not with me. Those who die wanted to live, those who live want to die. Can life be anymore cruel?

Baby, tonight, I will let you in. Break my heart open, let me bleed. Let the tears fall. Anything!Just stay with me, just for tonight...crawl into my arms while I sleep, soothe my wounds, help me heal my soul. Promise me you are here somewhere...promise me I will hold you again...