6 months

I've dreaded this day, and now its here. 6 months. How is it that every day, all day, my mind STILL refuses to accept this? That every morning I still wake up and for a split second I have hope that it was all just a bad dream. That when the reality hits, its like being punched in the stomach...every. single. morning. That all throughout the day my inner voice cries in the back of my mind..."This can't be real, this can't be my life, I can't do this, My God, how could this have happened???" That my mind still reels at the thought, the world tilts on its side and I feel physcially ill. I still scream "WHY?". I still blame myself. I still wish for my existence to just end...not to die...just to not...exist anymore, to not feel this pain anymore, or have to think these thoughts anymore.

It just won't STOP. Sometimes I feel crazy. I thought by now I'd be past the *constant* thoughts and pain. Last night I could barely breathe, one of those on the floor cry sessions. Some days I just don't know how I'm going to keep going. How does one live through the agonizing pain of heartbreak over and over and over? At some point you think your heart would just give up and stop beating, and yet it just continues on...the pain searing through without mercy or end in sight. Each day begins again, life goes on not caring that my precious little boy was left behind. I look back to him pleading while my feet unwillingly carry me further and further away from him...

I miss him, I miss him, oh, I MISS HIM. I want to look at his pictures and watch his videos, but I'm too afraid of the pain that I know will accompany it. I should be buying him a cute Easter suit and a book with baby bunnies and chicks in it and debating whether or not its time for his first haircut because his pretty curls are getting too long...


Pslam 22
1 My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?
2 O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.
3 But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
4 Our fathers trusted in thee: they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
5 They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded...
9 Thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope...
11 Be not far from me...
14 I am poured out like water, all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of me.
15 My strength is dried up; my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death...
19 But be not thou far from me, O Lord: O my strength, haste thee to help me.
20 Deliver my soul from the sword...
21 Save me from the lion’s mouth: for thou hast heard me...

"Men don't cry"

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby, too.


~Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Baby of Mine

"Mary's Lullaby" by Crystal, family friend



This morning I literally woke up with this song in my mind. I could hear the singing in my head as I opened my eyes. I got dressed and when I walked out of the bedroom, it suddenly struck me what song it was and ugh...its not been a good morning. :'(

I think it was because I drove past the Temple last night and saw the Easter Pageant stage all set up. Who knows...maybe I had been singing it all last night, too, and didn't even realize it.

It also dawned on me that I will not be going back to the Easter Pageant for a very long time. I didn't really think about that when I chose this song for Gavin's funeral. I also felt a little bad when I realized that everyone else who attended the funeral will probably be reminded of it during the pageant now.