Sunday, March 22, 2009

6 months

I've dreaded this day, and now its here. 6 months. How is it that every day, all day, my mind STILL refuses to accept this? That every morning I still wake up and for a split second I have hope that it was all just a bad dream. That when the reality hits, its like being punched in the stomach...every. single. morning. That all throughout the day my inner voice cries in the back of my mind..."This can't be real, this can't be my life, I can't do this, My God, how could this have happened???" That my mind still reels at the thought, the world tilts on its side and I feel physcially ill. I still scream "WHY?". I still blame myself. I still wish for my existence to just end...not to die...just to not...exist anymore, to not feel this pain anymore, or have to think these thoughts anymore.

It just won't STOP. Sometimes I feel crazy. I thought by now I'd be past the *constant* thoughts and pain. Last night I could barely breathe, one of those on the floor cry sessions. Some days I just don't know how I'm going to keep going. How does one live through the agonizing pain of heartbreak over and over and over? At some point you think your heart would just give up and stop beating, and yet it just continues on...the pain searing through without mercy or end in sight. Each day begins again, life goes on not caring that my precious little boy was left behind. I look back to him pleading while my feet unwillingly carry me further and further away from him...

I miss him, I miss him, oh, I MISS HIM. I want to look at his pictures and watch his videos, but I'm too afraid of the pain that I know will accompany it. I should be buying him a cute Easter suit and a book with baby bunnies and chicks in it and debating whether or not its time for his first haircut because his pretty curls are getting too long...


Pslam 22
1 My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?
2 O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.
3 But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
4 Our fathers trusted in thee: they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
5 They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded...
9 Thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope...
11 Be not far from me...
14 I am poured out like water, all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of me.
15 My strength is dried up; my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death...
19 But be not thou far from me, O Lord: O my strength, haste thee to help me.
20 Deliver my soul from the sword...
21 Save me from the lion’s mouth: for thou hast heard me...

8 comments:

nancy said...

i love you. i understand. i know. i am grieving with you.

Jenn said...

Bethany,
I think of you so often and hope that someday you will be able to take a breath without it hurting so much. {{{HUGS}}}
ShelbysMom from LF

Janell said...

Bethany, I am so very sorry you are hurting so badly. It's not fair that you have to live with this. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

Melody B. said...

Thinking of you tonight. The word that sticks out of this post for me was "searing". I imagine that's how it would feel. I wish I could hold your pain for you for a little while. I'm SO sorry, I love you.

Erin said...

Bethany, I stayed up late last night reading both your blogs. We just had our one month anniversary since losing Charlotte on the 21st. If I wanted to send you something, could I use the PO Box on your old blog?

{ Bethany } said...

Erin, yes, we still check the PO Box sometimes. Or you could email me (Gavin's email address is linked to my personal one) and I could give you our home address.

Thanks for commenting and spending the time to look at his blog.

~Bethany

marie said...

Bethany,
I am sorry you are hurting so. Your posts touch me deeply. I can't ever stop thinking about you and Gavin. Your posts make me think hard about what I have, and what is really important in life. I read what you write and I always want to comment, to say something, somehow I can't figure out the "right" thing to write. I wish a comment was comforting, like a hug. I wish I could make the hurting stop, I wish I was living closer, I would make you ice cream and rub your feet and hug you. I wish this did not have to happen to you, my dear. I am sorry. I love you!

Julia+John said...

Hello,
I know you don't know me but I wanted to let you know how very sorry I am that you have gone through so much heartache and pain. I have read your blog and have read Gavin's old blog too! I know a sorry isn't good enough but you are in my thoughts and prayers always.