Tuesday, April 7, 2009

overdue

This post is long overdue...but I just didn't really feel like committing myself to it, for reasons I'll explain below. Most of our family and friends know by now (I hope so anyway!) that I am expecting baby #4 (a girl) to our family. This may not be surprising, but the fact that I'm actually due on April 12th (Easter Day) might be. But since I've delivered all my babies early (5 weeks, 3 weeks, and 10 days) it could be any day now***.

***Well, I should've posted this sooner, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. I feel like I'm somehow going to jinx the situation by speaking about it. Olivia Alice was born on March 25th. So far she's doing fine. We're still waiting for test results. The kids are loving having a baby in the house again. For Dre and me its been good in some ways, and really hard in other ways. But its nice to have a smooshy, lovable baby to distract all of us.***

Before you start counting dates in your head, we found out I was expecting back in August, so we knew while we were in the hospital with Gavin. Obviously this wasn't "planned". And as you can imagine, it has been very emotional and complicated for us. I don't want to get into too many details, but sufficeth to say, it is hard to celebrate a life when you are mourning a death. Of course there is a small piece of us that is excited to hold and love a little baby again, but this is overshadowed by our fears and grieving at the moment.

Gavin's liver condition was genetic, therefore this baby has the same chances of being born with Alpha-1...25% that she won't have it at all, 50% that she will be a carrier, 25% that she will have it. Although having Alpha-1 doesn't mean you will need a liver transplant (Gavin's condition was at the worst end of the spectrum), it is still obviously a scary thing for us. They will test the baby as soon as she is born, and we'll have results in 2-6 weeks. Honestly, I feel as if I'm marching to the gallows and I won't know until I get there if I will be pardoned. And spending time in a hospital is pretty much the last thing I'd rather do right now. I don't know how I am going to be affected by all of this, but Im not looking forward to it at all. It is going to be a very sensitive and hard situation for us, and generally, we don't really like talking about it, and I'm not sure that will change anytime soon.

I do think that having this baby will help us in our grieving in some ways, at the very least by giving us something to concentrate on. But this is not going to "make it all better". I suspect that there will not be a dramatic change in our grieving. We are still going to feel the horrible pain of not having Gavin, perhaps even more acutely than before. So we just hope that everyone remains sensitive to our grieving process, and our future fears, even while trying to celebrate this new life.

20 comments:

Erin said...

Bethany, congratulations. I had wondered where you had been.

Jenn said...

Olivia Alice - love the name! Give that baby a smooshy hug from us LF's

nancy said...

she is so beautiful. i pray for her health. i can only imagine your bittersweet feelings. years ago i heard something from elder richard scott: "please learn that as you wrestle with a challenge and feel sadness because of it, you can simultaneously have peace and rejoicing."
i have since kept it on a sticky note at my desk to remind me. roses and thorns grow together.
may you rejoice in this sweet fragrant rose that has come into your life and at times feel that peace that passes all understanding. God bless you. xo

Becky said...

I LOVE what Nancy said! So true. I'm praying for her health too...so far I hear she's doing great! Let me know if there is anything I can do for you, or if you need something. Or if you ever think of something my Beehives can do for you...ANYTHING!!

I love her name...Olivia is a favorite of mine and my grandma's name was Alice...love it so much!! :)

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Nicole said...

A HUGE congratulations!

Brett and Meredith said...

Love the name...congratulations to your family. Our prayers continue with you as you try to find peace in the shadows, that the sun can shine in on this new little joy, and that having an earthly angel to love can be a sweet reminder of your heavenly angel.

The Garner Gang said...

One beautiful new life is always a celebrationeven through the grieving of the loss of your handsome son. I hope tests turn out well and your life will be blessed in a time when love and joy should surround your family. I have learned the hard way that we can't feel guilty when we have joy with our other babies. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Julia+John said...

Congratulations! I pray that all the tests come back with good news! I will continue to pray for your family and for peace for all of you in this mixed time of emotions!

Bret and Julie Burnham said...

We love you guys. Thanks for letting us share in your joys and your sorrows. Always know we are here for you!

Marga├ža said...

Keep the faith, Olivia Alice will be healthy and well loved from all.

You made the right choice, even if you are now scared. Alpha 1 it´s very different from child to child. This kids deserve a change to live and be loved.

Take care. With love,

Alice ( Martim´s mum from LF)

Anonymous said...

Congrats! It seems that God had a plan to help you deal with your tremendous loss. He gave you a new baby girl to care for and to love on. God bless you and your family. (((hugs)))

Rebecca said...

Congratulations! We can't wait to meet her!

Anonymous said...

Hi Bethany,

I've been thinking of you a lot lately, especially because I am now spending nearly every waking moment in the hospital with my husband, who was badly hurt in a horrible car accident we were in last month.

I am so sorry for the pain of your losing Gavin. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

And I'm happy for your new arrival. Congratulations!

Charlotte...your friend from long ago. :)

Anonymous said...

Bethany and Andre,

Congratulations on Olivia..I have been following your blogs on this site and I think about both of you and your family all the time, especially when I see the Baby Einstein's book you donated. Maria the nurse asks me a lot if I have talked to you guys recently, I will tell her the wonderful news about Olivia, but with that being said we are still all praying that you and your family continues to grow stronger each day as your mourn for your sweet baby boy Gavin. My prayers are with you always! Danielle from Banner Desert.

Kassi said...

Congratulations on Olivia and you and your family are still in my prayers!

Melody B. said...

Olivia Alice...I love it!:) And I love her! I bet your glad to have that lady from the hospital off of your back by choosing a name!:P PLEASE let me watch that little punkin' sometime so you and Andre can go out. She is TOO precious.

I'm sure that sleep deprivation doesn't help this whole situation, yeah? I LOVE what Nancy wrote about roses and thorns growing together, perfect...love her.

Love you, and am here. How can I help?

The Giffords said...

Olivia is so cute and I am so glad that she is here. We love you all and are grateful that you allows us into your grieving process. Thank you for sharing Olivia with us too.

Janell said...

Congratulations on your sweet baby girl. I too really, really like the name you picked (after two weeks) :P. Please keep us posted on how she is doing! I can only imagine the complexity of emotions you feel and how exhausting it must be at times. I'm so happy and excited for you and at the same time so sorry for the sorrow that will never fully go away of losing your precious Gavin. I'm praying for you.

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

Hey sweetie,

I can't even imagine the "Complications" between grieving a death and celebrating a life...two very opposite extremes. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. Although I've never experienced what it's like to have a baby on top of loosing one, you know that at least on many levels I understand your loss of Gavin very well. I wish I didn't...I wish I was ignorant and that I had Trinity here healthy, thriving, and happy...but that's not my life. So I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I'm thinking about you!

Love always,
Mindy

Leeann said...

Congratulations Bethany and Andre. I'm so happy that you have been intrusted with another beautiful spirit.