Olivia

I can't believe its almost been 6 weeks already. The first 3 weeks went by soooo slowly, but the last few weeks have gone by so fast. We still don't have the test results back yet...and trust me, when I know- everyone else will know. Its been hard to not worry about it because everyone keeps asking us, and that translates to it being brought up a handful of times every day! I know it probably seems like the kind, concerning thing to do...but you all have my permission to act like it doesn't exist right now (cause that's what we're trying to do).

I predicted correctly that in some ways having Olivia here would be good, and in other ways hard.

The hard: the first few weeks have hurt a lot. It is so confusing...she reminds me so much of Gavin. The sounds she makes, the angles of her face, the little movements, the baby stuff being out again, the nursing, the diapers, the crying. Sometimes it feels like a second chance, that it really is him, and this time could be different...maybe? I have to consciously remind myself every time I walk into the bedroom that "this is Olivia, not Gavin". I keep saying "him" instead of "her". Its like an arrow through the heart when I accidently call her the nicknames I used to call Gavin. Sometimes I just hold her and cry because I wish it was him. Sometimes I pretend that it is. Sometimes I resent that its not. It doesn't help that I'm getting little sleep and I am up alone with her all night. It leaves a lot of time to think. And that is definitely not a good thing.

Its hard taking her to her pediatrician appointments. It brings back so many memories. I sit in the room and think, "Gavin breathed this air. He touched this bench. He crawled on that table. He looked at that picture. I read him that book. He was alive in this room." I do that everywhere I go. He is everywhere, and he is nowhere at all. I miss him.

The good: I actually smile every single day now. I smile. And not just a smile that you do, a smile that you feel, all the way in the depths of your soul. We all do. That is amazing to me. The kids are sooooo happy. As soon as they wake up in the morning, its "Where's Olivia?". As soon as they get home from school (well, right after they wash their hands- they never forget), its "Where's Olivia?". Its fun having a little girl again...tiny bows and dresses and pink, pink, everything pink. Its getting easier to look at her and just see her. She's becoming her own person. As few as these things are, it feels like it outweights all the hard things. At least most of the time.