Saturday, November 15, 2008

break

This week has been really hard. I have lost motivation for a lot of things...I'm just too sad. I try to go to the store, but all I see are the things I *would* have bought for Gavin. Half the time I think "Oh, Gavin would LOVE this!" before realizing he's no longer here. I had been trying to find the perfect mobile to hang in the corner of his bedroom, one to match his rocket ship bedding. And I finally found one...the most perfect one ever...inexpensive, crafty, sparkley, the perfect colors, a little do-it-yourself kit from Martha Stewart. I just stood there and tried not to cry. He would have really loved it. I bought it anyway. I don't know why. I just couldn't leave it there. Maybe I am a sucker for punishment...I guess I can always go put it on his grave. :( It really, really sucks to replace all those urges to buy him something cute, with "what can we put on his grave?" It hurts so much...I try to get the kids involved, so they can feel good about leaving something nice there...but inside I just cry. I don't want to buy my baby things for his grave.

One night was particularly rough, another huge tsunami. They start out so small, but I can feel it coming and it just gets bigger and bigger until I can't control it anymore. Its terrifying to feel so overwhelmed and helpless like that. I just don't understand why this had to happen. Why would Heavenly Father allow this? Why have there been so many things in my life that have been so hard? They didn't have to be this way...Heavenly Father could've stopped them. So, why?

If the gospel and His plan is all about families and eternity and sharing the gospel, then why didn't He leave Gavin here with us? We would have taught him well, we would have raised him up in the gospel, he would have been happy...and his children, and their children would have followed on that path, too. Isn't that the point of being here? So why?

If Heavenly Father loves me, why wouldn't He have blessed us? If I was trying to do what's right, why didn't He answer our prayers? Did we not ask the right way? Did we not pray enough? Were we not spiritually in tune? Why didn't we get any promptings? Why didn't the doctors get any promptings? Why couldn't this have been caught before it was too late? Gavin didn't have to get a sore from that tape on his skin, it didn't have to get infected, that fungus didn't have to get in, it didn't have to spread to his lungs- all of it, He could have stopped it. He could have prevented it. So why?

I don't feel like this is making me stronger or better, its breaking me. Its breaking my heart, my soul, my hope, my faith...how do I put something back together when its been shattered into a million pieces? I have gone through so many different trials in my life, and NOTHING compares to this...NOTHING. Not having divorced parents, not having my dad die, not getting pregnant at a young age, not being divorced, not being a single mom with two small children, not having a child who is sick...NONE of that pain even comes close to this. None of those things made me lose hope for a better life to come. It hurt while I was going through it, but I always had hope that things would get better.

Now its too easy to say "what other bad thing is going to happen? what's next?". I am scared now...I don't look forward to the rest of my life, I fear it. Why would Heavenly Father want me to feel this way? With every trial I have been through, I refused to let it keep me down, eventually I managed to find my way back out again. Its made me scrappy and resilient, and I'm not upset about that anymore.

But this...this is too much. Doesn't He know that this is too much for a Mother to bear? Thats its impossible to put the pieces back together after something like this? I can't just move on from this and find something better...I have lost pieces of my heart forever, I can't ever fix it. They will always be gone. This is just too much. Its so hard for me to pray most of the time...when God, He is the one with the control, He is the one who let this happen. Its hard to even address Him without thinking "WHY?????" Its like I'm keeping my distance, because if I get too close again something else horrible is going to happen.

This week, time felt like it had stopped and my suffering wouldn't ever get better. I thought I was doing so well the last couple of weeks, and then BAM, it overtook me again. Its just so disheartening. I don't want to feel this way...I just don't know how not to. I try reading all the books, thinking about Emma and all her lost babies, or my Great-Grandma who lost two of her little ones, or other moms of angel children who are going through this or are further out and seem to be doing better. Sometimes it helps for a little bit, but the hurt never really truly goes away. Its always under the surface waiting for something to pull it out again.

Nothing feels big enough to help heal this wound. Nothing feels big enough to fill this empty place in my soul. And yet somewhere inside, I know that that is what the Atonement is for. That nobody, NOBODY knows exactly how this feels except for Christ. He knows. He knows. I know that can help somehow, I just don't know how to make it work for this, for me, right now. So many of the moms who have gone through this before me talk about how it has helped them. I just can't even begin to picture it right now. Its not even just out of my reach, its a million miles away. I just wish I could be enveloped in it right now.

The other night Andre brought up the Mayan Calendar (ya know, how "they" say the world will end in 2012 because thats when their calendar ends? He likes learning about that weird stuff, don't ask.) Usually it really upsets me when he brings stuff like that up. I don't like thinking about the Second Coming, why would I want that to happen? I've got a life and my family and I need more time! I want to raise my kids! I don't want to go through all that scary stuff! So on election night he says "Whoever is elected will be President in 2012" Uh-huh, thats nice, dear...then he said, in a tone much too serious for our usual bantering, "Well...I hope it is the Second Coming" I was about to retort my usual reply when I suddenly stopped and thought...Oh! We'll see Gavin again...Oh!!!

Suddenly I'm not scared anymore of the "end of the world". I'm more scared to live through the rest of the trials that are lined up for me. I would want nothing more than for this life as we know it to stop and for everything to be happy and good and beautiful and to see my baby. I don't care about all the things that used to be so important to me, all the Earthly life experiences I wanted to enjoy...none of it interests me now. None of it will be the same without Gavin here anyway. I wonder if this is what all the old people feel like...when so many of their loved ones have already passed on before them? Do they look towards their death with excitement, with peace? I know this probably sounds disturbing to those who just don't "get it" (and I pray you never do), but rest assured that although the thought of passing on and seeing my baby again makes my heart sing, I have not thought about taking matters into my own hands. (that would require motivation...just kidding.) See, I even have a sense of humor...dark, but there.

I know I need to focus more on prayer and trying to connect somehow...it just feels too big right now. Although I guess it beats the alternative of suffering through this alone, no matter how scary it is to take that plunge again. It reminds me of that poem I found awhile back:

Come to the edge.
We can't. We're afraid.
Come to the edge.
We can't. We will fall!
Come to the edge.
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

-- Guillaume Apollinaire

13 comments:

Rebecca said...

We are thinking of you. Is there an email address we can reach you guys at?

Matt & Staci said...

Pray. Pray. Pray. I was going through a tough time a couple years ago & the last thing I wanted to do was pray. Matt was good about reminding me that I needed to anyways. But I didn't want to...AT ALL. I finally decided to anyways...whether I wanted to or not. And it took time. More time than I wanted...but I was able to EVENTUALLY heal through the Atonement. When I saw my faith faltering...I thought I had the answers on my own. I was not able to overcome that trial until I relied COMPLETELY on Heavenly Father & let the Atonement heal me.

It is going to be hard. REALLY hard. You know that. I don't need to tell you. BUT you CAN get through it and you WILL see him again.

Janell said...

I'm so sorry Bethany. :( I don't have any good answers. I think you are right and normal to feel angry and doubtful. I HAVE to think that although your life is forever changed, time will help heal you and the moments of overwhelming despair will become fewer and farther between--never gone completely because Gavin will never be forgotten. Eventually you will find a new normal. That probably doesn't make you feel better now. I do think prayer would help, even if you're expressing your hurt and anger and doubts. I think God understands that. I think He will give you moments of clarity and peace. But take your time. Maybe spend some time in nature or on a new hobby (when you feel up to it).
I'm thinking of you! Thanks for being so brave to share your thoughts. I passed this link on to another couple I know who is grieving.

The Giffords said...

Thank you for sharing you inner most thoughts with us. It gives me a new perspective on the second coming. They say that if you are prepared that you will not fear. I must not be prepared, because I am afraid. I will now think about the happiness that will be stronger than the bad and maybe I won't be so afraid anymore.

"They" - I don't know exactly who they is - but they say that when you feel like not praying, pray until you do. I know that our prayers are answered, so I know that Heavenly Father will answer your prayers for comfort, peace, hope and healing. It will just take time I think.

We love you and are praying for all of you constantly.

Kelsey said...

I don't think you should feel guilty about feeling the way you do sometimes. Sometimes you have to feel it all out and it takes a long time and it sucks but it gets out and the more you get out, the less is trapped inside driving you crazy and building into that icky pit in your stomach that you will feel over and over again whenever you are reminded of him. But then eventually over time it will be less intense, and less frequent and eventually bad feelings will be replaced with good memories. At least thats the hope. I don't feel qualified to give you advice and I don't have any. I can only tell you to keep breathing. And you only have to do this one day at a time. I think you guys have it in you to come out of this shiny and bright instead of dark and twisty... excuse my grey's anatomy reference. ;) I love you,
Just keep breathing,
And listen to this song about breathing. :)
Love your Sister,
Kelsey

Kelsey said...

The song is...
Keep Breathing
By Ingrid Michealson

Melody B. said...

Did you ever read the tribute that I did about Gavin on my blog? I put that poem on there. I LOVE IT. i'm sorry that you have to feel this way and these things. You're right about what you said last night, time can help heal....and unfortunately we can't speed up time.:( Heavenly Father knows this too and He is there waiting patiently for you to arrive at a place where He can heal you through the atonement. Of course you will ALWAYS miss/love Gavin (and the atonement could never make that go away), but it can help ease the pain. God loves you so much (yes He does) for wanting so badly to do what's right even in the midst of your agonizing pain.

I think I'll ask Santa for a magical wand for Christmas...then I could speed up time for you.:) Think of all the good I could do with it...if only....love you!

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

Bethany,

I totally and completely understand you. I understand what you're saying and the feelings that are completely and totally shattering your mind, body, and soul. I was there a year ago, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. Let me tell you this, I'm still angry with Heavenly Father because I don't get it. I don't understand all my WHY's, and I hated it when other's would try to answer those questions and give me things like "At least Trinity's in a better place and no longer suffering" "At least you've been sealed together for all eternity"...blah blah blah. My heart just hurts too much for the minimizing of my feelings. So here you go...

You have the right to be angry! You have the right to be confussed about Gavin's death! You have the right to question Heavenly Father! You have the right to question your strength to be able to "Handle this"! You have the right to yearn for your death just so you can hug and squeeze Gavin again...everything you feel, you have the right to feel.

I have noticed that as time has passed, the pain of Trinity's passing is still just as deep and just as sharp...but the time in between that pain has lengthened. In the beginning I cried about every min. of every day. Now, 14 months later, I have that painful cry about once a week. I'm getting used to living with the pain. As time goes on, you will start getting used to it. At first it made me mad...I didn't WANT to get used to Trinity being gone, but I had no other choice. I HAD to start adjusting to my new life without Trinity. I'm still adjusting to it.

The anger, the why's, and confussion all take time. Like I said, I'm still angry...I'm still not at "Peace" with Trinity's passing...but I have the hope that I'll get there someday...other Angel Mom's give me that hope, since they've been on the path longer then me.

Please know you can always vent to me if you ever need to. I know we've never met in person, but unfortunately we share a very painful bond. Hang in there and I'll continue doing the same...

All my love,
Melinda Adams
(Trinity's mommy)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Bethany... I know that nothing I say will really help. Just vent as much as you can. Scream, cry, write, get it all out.

This site may help you a little:

www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com

This http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html is the beginning of her story.

Ryan Dana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryan Dana said...

Beth,
My brother drowned when he was 16 months old. It was before I was born. In fact, my mom was 3 months pregnant with me when he died (similar to your situation). I never used to think about the whole thing because it happened before I was born and I never knew him in this life. Then I became a mother and all the sudden I could sort of imagine how painful it must have been for my mom. I asked her a lot of questions. Her life was very hard after my brother's death. She said that the first week after he died was bearable because of all the love and support. 6 weeks after felt even more horrible than when he first passed. And 3 months felt like she would die from the pain. On and on I think she had moments of strength and moments of pure suffering. It's been 24 years now, and she stills hurts sometimes-I can see it now that I'm older. But she rejoices too. She IS stronger because of it and she, like you, looks forward to the 2nd coming when she can raise her little one up. I think you will always miss him because you will always love him. But always remember you WILL see him again. That's why you have to keep going forward. I'm thankful my mom kept onward because she was a great mother to me even after it all.

Angie Dana
That was me too the time before, I wanted you know it was me and not Ryan...

nancy said...

although i don't comment each time, i read and weep and mourn with you. i'm journeying into year 8 and still get pulled into the past by some random thought, something i hear, something i see, or even something i smell. this is the most painful time of year (although i can't think of a time that isn't).
i too look forward to the Savior's coming, when we're promised that the only tears will be tears of joy.

Hiatt Family said...

Bethany, I am so sorry things are so hard. I promise though that you will have miracles happen in your life if you let them come. I promise. I don't mean to sound harsh because I know that you are really trying, but you can't get through it without Heavenly Father's help. That would be pretty much impossible. It's so hard to even get through it WITH His help. But you have to turn to Him & lay everything out on the table. Tell Him how you are feeling & that it is hard for you to pray right now!I hope things improve soon...