Saturday, November 22, 2008

time

About this time in the morning, 2 months ago, I received the phone call from Andre that was the beginning of the end. I was sleeping at the hotel, he had stayed at the hospital that night. As soon as my cell phone rang, I knew...I *knew* it was bad news. My stomach instantly knotted up. All of his levels had gotten worse overnight. I just kept saying "Why? No! WHY? NO! NO!" I still feel like screaming when I hear cell phones ring, especially if its the same ringtone. I had to change mine afterwards.

I still don't understand. Why did Gavin have three good days only to crash in the end? Why did God give us hope? That crash, it was so much worse because of it. It was falling from such a higher place than I was only days before. I BELIEVED.

Today is going to be hard. As much as I try, I know I will be glancing at the clock all day, remembering what I was doing at that exact moment. Willing the hours to stop moving, willing the inevitable to go away. Inwardly screaming at Time and Fate and God and Death to stay away from him, from our family, from me. WHY? NO! PLEASE! NO!!!

Baby, I miss you so much. I'm so sorry.

4 comments:

Melody B. said...

:(

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

Thank you for letting me know that it was Gavin's 2-month mark. GOSH SAKES! THAT REALLY SUCKS SWEETIE!!! Every month that passed by during my first year with Trinity's death, just made me sad, angry, depressed, etc. all over again (not like I wasn't like that every day). So I'm remembering Gavin today...and I'll remember him on his 3 month mark too! YOU CAN COUNT ON ME TO BE HERE FOR YOU!!! I am sooooooo sorry you are walking this same path of hell that I'm walking on...I just want to come and give you a big hug and just cry with you.

Love ya,
Melinda Adams
(Trinity's mommy)

Kassi said...

I helped to take care of Gavin at the hospital and I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and I know first hand how it is. I got pregnant as a teenager, at 14, and lost my daughter to cancer before I was even 19. She was fine and doing great even though she was out of remission and then bam! It hits you like a ton of bricks. I went through the same thing of blaming myself and God. Being LDS myself I kept asking why her and why now and why this way and why, why, why? It took time but I was able to slowly pick up the pieces of my life and go on. Even though that hole in my heart will never be filled I look forward to the second coming and holding my baby again. Don't let anyone tell you that what you are thinking and feeling is wrong because it is something we have to do and think to help us heal. And even now four years later I still have my why days but I know that she is waiting patiently for me up there and I can't let her down. That is a thought that help and helps me get through the tough days. Just continue to pray and hold those you love close around you and in time the wounds will start to heal. I hope you don't find me telling you this or feeling for you out of line. You and your family will be in my heart and prayers.

Marga├ža said...

your baby was so precious.he showed so many things in life and yet he was just a baby. He changed my life and changed me as a mother. I´m a better mum today because I have learned so much with Gavin.

You are always in my mind, you are a great mother, Gavin was a lucky boy to have you, you were is strenght, his heart.

I´m so sorry he is not here with you.