Thursday, November 27, 2008

song

I heard this song last night and I think it pretty much sums up my life right about now:



Colbie Caillat "Older"

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes
Many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused
Turned around
On and on
On and on
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older



Its kind of "funny"...my counselor and I have talked about 'gray' a lot. Nothing about losing a child is black and white, she says to find something gray and hang it up in our house so I can look at it often to remind me of that.

It also reminded me of a night shortly after......I was out with my friend and she was telling me about all these other people she knew who had lost a child or dealt with some awful tragedy. It was just so depressing! I kept thinking, being an adult sucks. What is the friggin' point??? Everyone just hurts and bad stuff happens to everyone, and now I hear about all of it, all of the time.

Its like when you are going through something momentous, like getting married or having your first baby...everyone identifies and bonds with you by saying "oh, my {fill in the blank: sister, friend, mom, cousin, neighbor} is {fill in the blank: getting married next month, is expecting a baby girl, just bought a house, too!}. Well, now I hear story after story after story of so-and-so who lost their child by {take your pick of horrific accidents}. On one hand, it does kind of help...knowing I'm not alone in this journey. One the other hand, its really, really, really depressing when I stop and think about it. Every new story...another mother in such agony, another sweet little baby laid to rest in the ground instead of in her arms....

Its so hard to not wonder where and how God is through all of this. Why do some get their 'miracles' and others do not? What are 'tender mercies' and are they really Heavenly Father reaching forth His hand to help lighten our burden...or just coincidences that people use to try and find something good in something bad? I keep reading about them...if we had any tender mercies in the way Gavin died, I am not strong enough to recognize them. With the way I feel now, I can't imagine that I ever will be. Why would He care about all these seemingly little everyday things going on in people's lives, and then let something so huge happen, and in such a horrible way? Where were our tender mercies? Because I can list out a TON of things that made it SO much worse, things that could have been "lightened"....things we could have been "spared" from so as not to have that little bit of extra pain.

And not just Gavin...things like this are happening everywhere. My favorite go-to place: Africa. Take your pick of injustices and cruelties. Where is the Heavenly Father that we LDS-ers like to bear our testimony about therew? Where are their tender mercies? Where are their Visting Teachers who just "had a feeling" and showed up on their doorstep with fresh-baked bread or whatever else. Does He really care about the "bad day" of so-and-so in sunny Mesa, AZ enough to send them a little "tender mercy"...but then allow another to be thrown into a pit of fire? I just can't fathom it. It drives me crazy. I hate those two words right now. Throw in 'miracle' for good measure, too. Because they all lead back to the same stupid question...."WHY???"

And finally...will I ever stop playing this game of "drive myself insane by running circles around all the questions that can never, ever be answered"???? Its not that I have lost my testimony, its just that its currently in a million pieces and I have absolutely no idea how to fit them back together with all of these new pieces. All the good ole, standard gospel "feel good" answers just don't...well, make me feel any good (I'm sure there will be a post on *those* sometime in the future). I am far from the "Primary/Garden of Eden" part of my life. And let me tell you, trial by fire...this is it. All the gospel fluff has been burned away, and now the rest is being beaten with a hot iron sledgehammer. I read a book on grieving called "Jesus Wept" and this is a passage from it:

"Grief work will likely become the hardest work we will ever do. It will extract more time, patience, and energy than most of us expect or feel capable of enduring."

I doubt in the end my testimony is going to be very pretty or fluffy, but its sure going to be a helluva lot stronger.

9 comments:

anonymous said...

i can't imagine how you are feeling and i couldn't even begin to try. I know it is hard to believe that Heavenly Father allowed this to happen and you will always ask yourself why. We may not fully understand why we go through things in this life, but I believe that we choose things in the pre-existince. For instance which families we go to or what trials we would bear so that someone else doesn't have to. I'm living with an illness that I don't like having and it makes life hard sometimes, but if I chose this so that someone else didn't have to struggle with it, then I am grateful. It's a much bigger picture than what we can grasp and I'm sure your little Gavin would love to just reach out and hug you right now and make everything all better, and one day he will. And when that day comes all the asking why or how come will all be answered, it's just the struggle to get to that point.

Anonymous said...

If God allowed this in your life, I know that he will help you get to a place where you will find happiness. Not just making it through each day. I pray that he will make it possible for you to miss your son AND still find enjoyment and happiness on earth. May God bless you and your family. You're always in my prayers.

Rebecca said...

We love you Bethany. If God allowed you 11.5 months with a beautiful little boy then you were blessed. If through you so many people were able to learn about his disease and become aware then that was a blessing. If He allowed you to be able to reach out and touch others through Gavin's story and through fundraising, then that was a blessing. You heard his voice. His laughter. You saw him smile. You saw him crawl. You taught him to sit. Sickness or not, you were blessed with a year of love. A year of holding him tight. And, if you were there, to kiss him, to hug him, to be able to say goodbye to him-that was a great blessing. A lot of sucky things happen when you lose a child, but there are blessings. They're just waiting for you to see them.

Lucetta said...

I stopped by to see Gavins sweet face, and to read your words.
You're always in my thoughts. I wish I had more for you.

Lucetta, Angus' Mum form LF.

Lucetta said...

I jsut stopped by to see Gavins sweet face, and to read your words.
You're always in my thoughts, I wish I had more to offer.
Lucetta, Angus' Mum from LF.

Anonymous said...

Bethany, I was thinking about you and just wanted to stop by and say hi. I am so sorry for the difficult time you are going through - know that I am praying that your burden will be lightened.

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

Bethany,

I totally and completely understand your "Why's", your questions about God and His Plan in our lives, your anger when people talk about "Miracles" and "Tender Mercies"...I too hate those words. I too have felt and still at times feel the same way you do in regards to Trinity's death. I commend you for being so open about your thoughts...as time went on and I was just as open with everyone as you are, I started getting judgements and "Fix It" solutions from people. NOw the people I open up to is a select group of people. Just know that anytime you need to open up truly about everything, I don't only understand, often times I feel the exact same way. I'm always here for you and I am so very sorry you are experiencing the pain I'm experiencing too...it sucks and it's so unfair...who said life would be fair? I just hate that my unfairness had to be about the death of my child...that's an "Unfairness" I wish I never had to experience.

Love you,
Melinda Adams
(Trinity's Mommy)

nancy said...

i'm so very, very sorry bethany. sometimes the only blessing we can see is a few hours of precious sleep taking us away from the nightmare of reality and the miracle? it's that a heart can continue to beat after its been shattered into a million pieces.
i love you.

Marsha said...

You are so amazing to share this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.