Saturday, November 8, 2008

words

Its really frustrating trying to live "normally" in a world that is no longer normal to me. I don't want to be someone that others feel like they have to walk on eggshells around...but honestly, 99% of the experiences I have now remind me in some way of the awful things I have seen. Its just really hard.

Tonight we went to our church Film Festival, one of those things that we really could have cared less about right now, but we're trying to get out, trying to be "normal" so we went. It was really, truly funny! Everyone had submitted their own short films and they served popcorn and soda. We laughed a lot...the kids in our ward are so stinkin' cute. They had these segments where they "interviewed" the kids one by one and asked them gospel related questions and some of their answers were just priceless.

Then, *smack* the reminder. One of the questions was "Who is the Prophet?" which was followed by "What happened to Pres. Hinckley?" (the last prophet of our church who recently passed away). So they ask the first child:

"What happened to Pres. Hinckley?"

"He died."

...and then the next child...

"What happened to Pres. Hinckley?"

"He died."

...and the next child...

"He died."

"He died."

"He died."

"He died."

I was seriously about to stand up and shout "OK WE GET IT, THE OLD MAN KICKED THE BUCKET". I am not sure why they asked that question in the first place...what did they expect to hear the kids say? It wasn't funny like the other questions and answers were. And it didn't stop there. The next question was "How do we get to Heaven?"

"We die."

"We die."

"We die."

"We die."

"We die."

Seriously now. Its just makes me sad...most of the people in that room probably didn't even bat an eyelash at it, it just wouldn't even occur to them how that sounds to someone who is grieving, especially when it is so recent and raw. I wish such simple words didn't feel like stabs in my heart. I wish they didn't affect me so much and make me feel like screaming from the room. I wish I didn't feel like I trail my sadness behind me wherever I go. I wish I didn't feel so crazy!!!

Die. Death. Kill.

The words are everywhere...even *I* still use them without thinking. Example: Joenick runs into the house after school.

Joenick: "Mommy, guess what? I was riding my bike and I was going fast and there was a trash can and I had to swerve and almost crashed!!!!"

Me: "Oh my goodness, were you gonna di--{choke}......um, oh."

The words fly out of everyone's mouths without a second thought "I swear, I almost died." "It was killing me!" "I was scared to death!" You really don't even notice until suddenly you are spending every waking second trying NOT to remember those words and all that they encompass. There's just no way to avoid it.

It makes me sad that this is my new life, and it makes me sad for everyone else. I know no one means to say or do something that would remind me, but at this point, its just impossible not to, even for me! And when it does happen, and then they do realize and then they feel so bad...I just feel bad for everyone all around. Really though, I am sad all the time. There isn't much anyone could say to me at this point that would really make it that much worse. I am always a second away from tears. I am always feeling that ache. I'm not offended by it or anything...I know this is hard for everyone, and I love everyone just the same. Its just really hard.

7 comments:

Matt & Staci said...

I'm sure those words are everywhere around you right now & people probably slip on saying them all the time. BUT you are RIGHT...nobody MEANS TO say it or remind you of it, so you just have to remember that nobody is trying to offend you.

I'm glad you were able to get out & have some laughs(besides that one question). Just getting out of the house will help. Take it day by day. Even hour by hour. Know that you have so many friends & family that are here for you! Love you!

Rebecca said...

Yeah. The only way we could describe the weeks and months that followed Hollis's death were: It sucks. I mean, we didn't WANT to be sad, but we didn't necessarily want to be happy either. There are reminders everywhere. Even in those simple things that no one else notices. Songs on the radio. Things on TV. Hymns and lessons at church. NORMAL things. Our normal had to change because without him nothing was normal and we didn't want it to be. Even now one of the hardest things for me is when I am singing to Ephram, "You are my Sunshine" and without thinking start to sing the second verse. I have to stop myself, tell him sorry, and just sing the first one over. I just can't sing it. Maybe I won't ever sing it again.

I hope you find your days getting better soon. We are thinking of you!!

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

Hey Bethany,
I swear, you sound just like me so many times in your blogs. As time went on after Trinity's death, I started reading books about grieving. The first one I read was "How to survive the loss of a child" by Catherine Sanders...I've read 7 others since. I wanted to know what to expect in "Hell"...which is what the road of grief feels like. As I read, it didn't take away my pain, it helped me understand my thoughts, understand my emotions, validate my feelings, and helped me learn how to communicate to others. I had family and close friends read the book as well, so they could understand me better and hopefully keep our close relationships. It's been almost 14 months since Trinity died, and I can see progress in myself (I can't believe I can actually say that either...because I struggle big time). Do whatever you feel you need to do to survive this horrible loss in your life. And honestly, it doesn't matter what other's think...you basically have a "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD" on your emotions right now. I still use my "Card" all the time. I'm always here for you when you need not only a "Listening Ear", but an "Ear" that knows and understands your pain first hand.

Love ya,
Melinda Adams
(Trinity's Mommy)

em said...

I had an aunt lose her son 3 years ago and I still catch myself right after I say one of those "words" around her. I don't know if it still stings her, but I feel the guilt when I catch myself saying them.
As far as the question "How do we get to Heaven." All the kids answered "We Die." I think they were trying to make it funny because to get to heaven we have to do things like pray, read our scriptures, go to church. Not just "die." SO maybe that is where they were trying to find the humor in that. It still sucks though. My heart aches for you every day.

nancy said...

i'm so sorry. i was thinking the same thing. the kids were so cute and the films so funny. with all the laughter, i didn't see THAT one coming. it was so unexpected. i too thought, "ENOUGH!! "and why are we dwelling on this?! what's funny about it? the original "mouths of babes" didn't ask these questions!
from where we sat, i couldn't see you and only hoped you weren't there.
i think of that little poem, we used to recite as kids, "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me." wrong... so wrong.

suebug said...

IT's okay to feel that way too. Don't try to stop yourself from feeling those things. Mainly, because you have EVERY right to feel them. God gave us emotions for a reason. I am sure people are not even aware of the agony they spread with the words they say. I know. Cause I've been in similiar situations. But I can tell you, that if the DID know, they would never repeat that mistake again.

Melody B. said...

I am probably the one who does this to you the most. It seems as though I am ALWAYS having that effect on you. Foot in mouth always it seems, I apologize.