Yesterday we finally cleaned up the flower beds in front of our house. I have been avoiding it for awhile...I just can't look at any of it and not wonder if thats where the fungus came from. It was one that is commonly found in soil. Was it the mini rose bush by the door? Or was it the big brick flower bed? He loved playing by both of them in those last couple of months. We'd go outside every afternoon and I'd turn on the hose and let him crawl around and play in the water. He loved messing with the rose bush....he loved holding onto the little brick wall of the flower bed to help him walk around....he loved digging around in the leaves and finding sticks and rocks. Was it that??? Why, why, why did I let him play in there???
The entire time we were pulling weeds and scooping out leaves I just kept thinking, I am breathing in the same, stupid fungus that killed him. And it reminded me of this girl I used to play with when I was in 2nd grade...one day she said "God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt" and I remembered how stupid I thought she was for saying that. I think I told her so, and that God made bears and bears hurt people, so obviously it wasn't true.
...God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt...
Ugh. Its just so stupid. I can't stand that something so simple ended up killing him. Sometimes I just want to pull all the flowers out and destroy the whole thing.
Migraines
4 years ago
3 comments:
There's a lot of things that God made, that will hurt us. So I too don't like that saying. I'm so sorry Gavin isn't in your arms snuggling and loving you while you cuddle and love him. It just sucks...I feel the same way about Trinity...the whole thing just sucks! Hey, throw out a rose and stamp on it, tear it to shreds, then throw it away...maybe that will feel good...do it for the both of us! LOVE YOU MY FRIEND!
I, like you, wonder why but I know just as you probably do that it is not productive. My husband tells me if not that day on that car ride it would have happened some other time. He was called home. I know it is hollow at times and I hope I am not intruding but I want to tell you I pray for you, each of the mothers feeling that pain that seems to never cease. I pray for some solace in your life. It is the hardest thing you will go through.
Kendalee
Playing in that garden gave Gavin joy. Think of it as a back drop for his infectious smiles...and not blame yourself for something beyond your control.
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