Wherever you go

Television is another of one those things that is now perilous. Thank goodness we have digital cable now and it says what the show is along the bottom of the screen before the image actually comes up. I flip through the channels as fast as I can, pausing only to briefly read the title:

E.R. {flip}
Grey's Anotomy {flip}
Heroes {flip}
House {flip}
A Baby Story {flip}
Law & Order: SVU {flip}
Law & Order: CSI {flip}
Six Feet Under {flip}
Bringing Home Baby {flip}
Scrubs {flip}
Mystery Diagnosis {flip}
Ghost Hunters {flip}

All of sudden a major portion of TV shows are not at all interesting, especially medical ones. Why would it be when I've had front row seats to the "action" in real life? And trust me, its not entertaining. I used to *love* Scrubs...I used to flip back and forth between two different episodes that were on different channels at the same time. Its just not that funny anymore.

And then Andre and I started watching Heroes again, we had missed all of the third season. Those of you who watch this series, I'm sure you can think about the running theme this season and know why we just had to stop watching. I swear in every. single. episode. this season they've shown someone with a G-tube in their nose. What?! I have *never* ever seen that in a TV show before...and I would've remembered if I had, because when we started seeing them on all the liver kids it freaked me out. And now it is EVERYWHERE.

I've been subsisting on the Food Network, America's Next Top Model reruns and What Not To Wear. Safe, mindless, comfortable. I can handle some episodes of Jon & Kate + 8, another used-to-be favorite show of mine. Sometimes I have to turn it off though because I start looking at all those kids and thinking "out of all them, all eight...they are all healthy and beautiful and growing just fine..." and its hard not to be jealous and wonder "...why?".

Movies aren't that safe either...you think one will be light and funny and perfectly harmless, and then BAM, out of nowhere the lead lands herself in the hospital (with a g-tube in her nose, naturally) or someone suddenly becomes really super heartbroken and they play meloncholy music while she bawls her head off for the next 30 scenes.

And don't forget music. Oh gosh, the MUSIC is the worst. I hardly ever listen to the radio anymore because you never know what song will come on next. One from his website, one I cried to one night as I drove to the hospital for the umpteenth night in a row...

You know that quote, "Wherever you go, there you are?" Ya, life's like that. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, the pain finds me eventually. {stab} {stab} {stab} I feel like I live in the dark, and every once in awhile I venture outside and the sun is just too bright, too harsh and everything feels too big and awkward and unnatural. Its all you can do sometimes to surface and force yourself to get dressed, force yourself to leave the house, force yourself to smile, and let the sun shine on your face...let the music play. I can only take so much of it at a time, its just little steps (see, I was about to type "baby" steps and it just about...oh, and right then I almost wrote "killed me" GAH!!!!! See what its like living in my mind?? Its crazy.) anyway, what I'm trying to say is...its slow going progress.