Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Yesterday we finally cleaned up the flower beds in front of our house. I have been avoiding it for awhile...I just can't look at any of it and not wonder if thats where the fungus came from. It was one that is commonly found in soil. Was it the mini rose bush by the door? Or was it the big brick flower bed? He loved playing by both of them in those last couple of months. We'd go outside every afternoon and I'd turn on the hose and let him crawl around and play in the water. He loved messing with the rose bush....he loved holding onto the little brick wall of the flower bed to help him walk around....he loved digging around in the leaves and finding sticks and rocks. Was it that??? Why, why, why did I let him play in there???

The entire time we were pulling weeds and scooping out leaves I just kept thinking, I am breathing in the same, stupid fungus that killed him. And it reminded me of this girl I used to play with when I was in 2nd grade...one day she said "God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt" and I remembered how stupid I thought she was for saying that. I think I told her so, and that God made bears and bears hurt people, so obviously it wasn't true.

...God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt...

Ugh. Its just so stupid. I can't stand that something so simple ended up killing him. Sometimes I just want to pull all the flowers out and destroy the whole thing.

Friday, February 20, 2009

my baby

I miss my baby so very much tonight. I miss how he would rest his hand on my cheek when I would hold him on my hip. I miss the soft little curls of hair on the back of his neck. I miss how he would try to put his tiny hands in my mouth so I would "bite" them. I miss how he would try to grab my glasses and I'd grab his hand real quick and say "Nooo, silly! Those are MINE!" and he would laugh and try again. I miss stroking the back of his head while he slept against my chest. I miss tucking him in when he went to sleep and seeing his precious little face snuggled into the pillow, with his upturned nose and long, curly eyelashes and angel lips. I miss watching him silently watch the world around him...those big brown eyes seeing every detail. I miss pulling him around in his wagon and how he charmed and flirted with anyone who happened to look his way. I miss feeding him breakfast...there were so many foods we didn't get to try.

I just MISS him...I WANT MY BABY!!!!

My heart just aches for him, any little piece of him...his smell, his touch, his smile, his laugh, his wave. It hurts so much...I can't remember him, can't love him, can't cherish him without also letting in the despair, the grief, the knife of pain. Its so unfair that my sweetest memories are now laced with poison. I try not to remember, I try not to forget. I try to savor the sweetness...while having to swallow the bitter cup. I can only hold little pieces of my baby, just for the briefest of moments, before it all explodes into a monsterous, aching, blackhole.

Baby, I wish I could hold you in my arms all night and all day...carry your precious memory close to my heart so I could never forget, not even for a second. It just hurts...it just hurts too much. I wish I didn't have to shut your bedroom door, avoid your pictures, avoid your memory. When will I get to have the joy without pain? No acceptable answers. I need you now!!! Its just not fair...my irrational side begs, pleads, screams "Please let him come back to me! Please don't make me live this life! Please!!!" No acceptable replies.

I go to bed, one more night...one more night with empty arms, a hollowed heart, and broken dreams. One more night of tears on my pillow and bitter regret. One more night in an endless stream of nights with you not with me. Those who die wanted to live, those who live want to die. Can life be anymore cruel?

Baby, tonight, I will let you in. Break my heart open, let me bleed. Let the tears fall. Anything!Just stay with me, just for tonight...crawl into my arms while I sleep, soothe my wounds, help me heal my soul. Promise me you are here somewhere...promise me I will hold you again...

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Sparrow Fell

I don't usually like poems about grief, they are too...cliche and trying to pretend everything is all better in the end. I don't like that. But I liked this one, at least most of it. I changed some words though and put in Gavin's name instead. The original version was written by G. Bradford in memory of a little girl named Janet who was murdered on her way to school.

A Sparrow Fell

A sparrow fell- and no one heard.
Nobody cared. It was just a bird.
From all the numberless flitting throng
Of sparrows, who could miss one song?
But God leaned down and whispered, "I care.
It was one of my sparrows, and I was there."

A little boy, all sunshine and laughter,
(and sometimes scoldings, with kisses after!)
And hurts to smooth over, and deeds to applaud-
A little boy fell! Where were you God?
A little boy fell! God, why weren't you there?
Is it only for sparrows and such that you care?

If you're God at all- then you could have prevented
This nightmare of pain! So you must have consented.
I've always believed You were loving and good.
I'd like to believe still- if only I could.
But God, if You love me, how can You allow
Such unbearable pain as I'm feeling right now?

Such helplessness- hopelessness- bitter regret-
So may tears that have fallen; and yet
So many more that are still locked inside.
Oh, God- out there somewhere- have You never cried?
I'm not even sure, anymore, that You're real.
But if You are, God- Do You care how I feel?

* * * *

Beloved, I care! In the midst of your grief,
In the midst of your stricken and crumbling belief,
In the midst of the blackness of total despair,
In the midst of your questioning, Child- I am there.
In the midst! Not far off in some vague fifth dimension,
But here, where you are, giving you My attention...

My constant attention- and not just today.
Since before you were born, I have loved you this way.
You're important to Me. Every hair on your head
I have numbered Myself! Can these tears that you shed
Go uncounted? Unnoticed? Nay, Child; here I stand
Close enough that each teardrop falls into My hand.

Nor am I a stranger to anguish- to loss.
My own Son was taken one day- by a cross.
I know what you suffer. I know what you'll gain.
If you'll let Me walk with you into your pain.
I'll carry your grief, and your sorrow I'll bear.
You've only to reach out your hand- I am there!

Fear nothing for Gavin. Your dear little boy
Is safe in My house- and all Heaven's a-joy
With the ring of his laughter, and his quick eager smile,
And the things he's saving to show you- "after awhile."
Yes, I could have prevented- but Child, you can't see
With My perfect wisdom. Trust Gavin to me.

Of course you will miss him, but while you are weeping,
Remember, its only his body that's sleeping.
His "self" is awake. Wide awake. As I said,
I am God of the living, not God of the dead.
He trusted Me, and My sure Word comes to pass:
"Who believes shall not die." That includes your lad.

Let me walk with you now, through the long, heavy days;
Let Me slowly begin changing heartache to praise.
Take hold of My hand, Child: Take hold of My love.
I will lead you to joys that you yet know not of.
Your faith may be weak, and your trust incomplete,
But I'll not walk too fast for your stumbling feet.

Friday, February 6, 2009


Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is the healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you

This last week has been really, really hard. I usually have a few days in between breakdowns where I can push the emotions under the surface...outrun them for a little while before they catch up. But this last week its been every.single.day. I don't know why.

I still can't accept what has happened. My senses REFUSE to. I still hear him crying. I still catch myself walking past his door quietly so I won't "wake" him. Thoughts and memories slip into my head all day long, and my mind reels...this just cannot be happening to me. It cannot have happened! This CANNOT be my life! I CANNOT DO THIS.

How can he be gone? It just doesn't feel real...

Sunday, February 1, 2009


As I was waking up this morning, just for a split second, I thought that it was all just a really bad dream. And then I woke up. :'(

I don't like waking up.