Wednesday, July 8, 2009

July 4th

I wasn't really expecting how hard this holiday would be. It has been the hardest one yet. I guess because Gavin wasn't really old enough to "participate" in the other holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween. But he had SO much fun on the 4th of July. Our whole family did. In fact, I would say its one of the best days we spent together, even though we were in the hospital.

The kids came to the hospital and we wheeled Gavin down to the cafeteria in his little red wagon, where we ate KFC and he took bites of corn on the cob and mashed potatoes and gravy. Then we all got popsicles, which Gavin loved, too! :) When it got dark, the hospital staff got all the kids who were able to leave their rooms and we all went up to the top floor to watch the fireworks over at the community college from the windows. It was so fun! They had a huge box of Americana toys and treats. Gavin kept waving his little flag was so funny!!! Joenick and Evienne had so much fun being there with him. Gavin loved them so much. Everytime he got to see them he would smile so BIG. They made him happy and made him laugh, no matter where he was. I was completely happy that day. It makes me sad to think about it.

I miss him so much. It really hit home when we were walking out the theater (we took the kids to see Ice Age 3) and I was lingering behind and then I looked up and saw my family walking together. Andre holding Olivia, Joenick and Evienne skipping and jumping around...and no Gavin. It broke my heart. He should have been there, too. My little, almost 2 year old guy. I just started bawling and didn't stop. When we got home I told Andre to keep the car running and I went in and grabbed some items, then told him to go to the cemetary. We put some red, white and blue pinwheels on Gavin's grave, and some little flags, too. I just cried and cried and cried, like I haven't done in awhile.

I wish I could have wheeled him and Olivia in their little red wagon around the block in our yearly neighborhood parade. I wish he could be going swimming with us. Olivia loves it...I know Gavin would have, too.

I keep looking at Olivia and thinking, she is 3 months old. This is how old Gavin was when it all started. When he had his first surgery. It makes me hold her just a little closer, for a little longer. I am so, so thankful that we don't have to go through any of that with her.

Gavin, my dear little boy...thank you, thank you for your beautiful life. Thank you for your smile and your eyes and your waves and your laughs and your little fingers and toes. Thank you for your scars. Thank you for hanging on so long. Thank you for your happiness. Thank you for letting me love you. I miss you so, so, so much. I hope you got to see the fireworks from the best seat in the house this windows to block your view! I love you so much, baby boy.